Addicted and my taste in porn is getting darker (tw: mentions of grooming, SA, and rape)

So basically taste in porn is getting darker and it’s worrying me and bringing up triggering memories (tw: mentions of grooming, SA, and rape).

Okay so to clarify I am a trans man, but for the vast majority of my life I saw myself as a confused woman and others viewed me as one.

TLDR: I was groomed as a kid and SAd soon after turning 18. I’ve been viewing porn since childhood and I’ve been addicted to watching and reading it. My tastes have been getting darker and it’s making me relive some triggering memories. Any advice for helping me quit porn or at least cut down greatly and make my relationship with my own sexuality more healthy?

Get ready for a long read…

So long story, but I’ve been watching porn since I was a child. I overheard boys on the bus in middle school talking about porn and I was curious. Ever since then I’ve consumed porn on the regular. I was exposed to porn extremely early in life and as a sexually and gender confused child and I found some type of solace in watching porn.

This early exposure to sexual content very much normalized it in my mind. I was groomed online many times as a kid because of this. I was coerced into things and exposed to many perverts and pedophiles online who sent me porn and images of themselves. They even coerced me into sending photos of myself. It happened many times over the years. My view of sexuality and what was okay was severely warped by porn and grooming. I didn’t view me having sexual conversations with adults and viewing porn sent to me by adults as anything but normal.

Despite having a bunch of sexual conversations I never did anything in person with anyone thankfully. Though when I was freshly 18 I got convinced by a guy to come over to his house and fool around. He was very forceful with kissing and when I told him I wanted to stop he kept kissing me and was on top of me. Thankfully with enough convincing all he had done was kiss me and pin me down. I’m so thankful that despite being a bad guy, he was 38 meeting with a barely 18 year old, he didn’t force me to go any further than kissing.

I’m only realizing now as I’m typing this out how much I am actually traumatized from being groomed and sexually assaulted. It still feels weird to me to say I was sexually assaulted considering he didn’t really do much more than being on top of me and kissing me. I hate seeing myself as a victim.

I’m disgusted with myself and feel like I put myself into those situations that allowed me to get assaulted and groomed. I know it’s not true but I can’t help but feel that way about myself.

As I’ve been watching porn for longer and longer I’ve noticed the things I am interested in are getting darker and darker. At first I was into pretty vanilla stuff and eventually I started watching some light bdsm. Eventually I was watching more intense bdsm and “rough” stuff.

As of late I’ve been feeling disgusted with myself as I am seeking out porn that is CNC (consensual non consenting) and reading porn comics with “rape” tags. In a way I feel like I’m retruamatizing myself by watching and consuming things that remind me of being sexually abused over the internet and being an unwilling participant in sexual conversations and more. I keep seeking it out even though I get little to no actual satisfaction from it. I feel like I’m trying to take control and normalize in my mind the abuse I experienced.

I feel so vile and angry at myself. I know it’s not really uncommon for SA and grooming victims to revictimize themselves through watching CNC porn. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m stuck. I have OCD and I know that plays a huge role. I often have unwanted intrusive sexual thoughts that involve me being raped and SAd. I think I’m trying to rationalize to myself that if I just tried to I’d enjoy it. If I had just tried kissing the guy back and went through with things that I wouldn’t be traumatized.

It just makes me feel like such a bad person. I know I’m not a bad person. I’m not but I also know that I’m deeply traumatized and I’m making things worse the more I fall down the rabbit hole.

Does anyone have any advice for making my relationship with porn a way healthier one? I know I’ll need to take time away from it and stop searching for such heinous shit.

Any other subs, groups, etc I could join so I can have community and support for this journey of lessening my porn consumption and rebuilding my relationship with sex?