I feel like im too ungrateful and i feel horrible for it

im 15 and this year is my last Christmas since im too old for it now, and i dont know but i feel like im almost upset its my last..that and that I won’t be getting anything. Christmas used to be my favourite holiday, but now waiting for it to come just feels pointless.

my parents are super low income and wont be able to afford anything, and if they are I’ll have to wait a few more months to get anything..which i told them they don’t need to do that, and to just worry about food. but at the same time i guess i feel almost sad?? and i feel horrid for it. I’m saving up money for my parents though so i can help buy groceries, I have 30 dollaes so far so maybe giving my parents something will help me feel more happy since Christmas is about giving☹️

we havent had a Christmas tree up in 4 years and my presents havent been wrapped since i was 10, and i dont know why but it just makes me feel kind of sad that I don’t get to see a tree anymore or presents wrapped and I feel like a spoiled brat for even being so sad about that:(..not to mention; the past 4 Christmases my mom has started really bad fights where she screams at me to just hurry up at look through the gifts layed out, or that she hopes she dies in a car crash??or she’ll threat my dad and just say “who fucking cares, it’s just another day!”

I don’t get stockings anymore either, and I feel like this Christmas wont even feel like it since im not getting anything, I can’t go spend time with my family, no nicr dinner and no decorating. I cant help but envy my friends who are my age and eevn older than me literally decorating the tree already, and already having presents under the tree only 2 days into December And still writing Christmas lists..i was only ever allowed to write a Christmas list when I was 7, and I don’t know why im so ungreatful and so jealous of everyone else—I feel like a shitty person For even thinking this way.