Chami has been with me 12 years now, since I was a dumb 19 year old college student. She’s rode out my 20s with me, all the toxic relationships, hardships, traumatic events, she’s always been there. She’s my camping buddy, my hiking buddy, and my “pitbull” security dog when we are out in nature alone, always ready to start barking her head of at any random man that thinks they want to approach us.

Her high grade MCT has returned after having it removed with good margins back in July of this year. It’s around her spine area and subcutaneous, so it’s not anything we can just get cut off. (She’s had plenty lumps removed over the years!) 

I decided after the last surgery that we would not follow with up with chemo. Primarily due to her old age and because it costs a fortune, as most of you here on this sub know. I couldn’t keep putting myself into deeper debt to maybe extend her life by a few months. I hate admitting that out loud though. I know it’s the right decision to make, it just really fucking sucks. 

I have been going through phases of anticipatory grief. Mostly I have been able to blissfully ignore and just enjoy my time left with her. But there are also the days where it’s all im thinking about and just going through my day  with constant dread and anxiety. 

Shes still doing ok, definitely more demanding for food and potty due to the daily prednisone she is on. I am trying to do as much as we can together and have all of my friends come and visit her before it’s her time. 

Final note, because it’s feeling cathartic to type my feelings out… I hate thinking about the future right now, because all I can think is: “oh, February 2026? Chami will probably be gone by then. You think you’re going to go to a concert right around the time you lose your dog? Don’t even bother planning” 
It’s really hard to be excited and plan anything right now. Some parts of me want this to just be over, like if it’s going to happen by the end of the year then let’s just rip the band aid off….however that is not how I truly feel, I will give anything to have more time with her. But this stagnant dreadful feeling I have on a daily basis has really been bringing up grief and emotion that I have not ever had to process before. 

I hope I have many more months with you my girl. Years would be great, but trying to be realistic. 

Preparing to near the end with my old girl