Uninvited wedding guest fundamentally disrupts my partnership, long before an April wedding and continuing 7 months after.

There's so much context but I'm trying to keep it simple. My (42m) wife (44f) and I invited a friend she hadn't seen in person in 14 years, to join us at Burning Man to celebrate our partnership. Smash cut to this person taking it upon themselves to book travel accommodations without asking and we'll before a venue was chosen, and on top of that, before I sent an email to the family that was a big deal for me (again, so much context).

I'll spare the details but we fought for months leading up to the wedding and, even after I very cleary told this person their inflexible plans do not work for us and implored her to acknowledge me. She did not. My partner did not hold her to answering me. This led to this person completely fucking shit up the day she arrived and every day, including our wedding, until the day she left.

We continued to go round and round about this person, until we stopped. Then things got remarkably better between us, like it was before this person became part of anything. A couple weeks ago I realized what precipitated that change: I let loose on this person via what's app and absolutely destroyed them, and I do not regret anything I said. Problem is, I mentioned that realization to my wife and, oh boy, did it all come crashing down.

But first: the destruction.

"What's it like being the worst piece of scum to ever exist? I despise that you exist. Do not ever contact xxx again. You're a disgusting piece of shit. You wear Disney clothes as an adult. Fuck you and the Nazi family you came from. I fucking hate you, you ruined an event you weren't invited to. You serve no purpose in this world, which is of course why you stole an education from a native citizen to end up like, well, you have. I hope you get run over by a bus like your entitled trash family member that was unable to use words like a real person. Enjoy your goats you middle of nowhere cunt, you will never be loved. By anyone, ever."

We both have had people treat us as less than and neither of us ever got the opportunity to give people what they deserved to their face. The wedding was on 26 April and the message was sent 22 Sept. Clearly, I despise this person.

So then, AITAH for reacting to my life partner making a point to wish this person a happy birthday as we traveled back from an emotionally intense and delightfully significant family trip that was preceeded by her drunkenly shoving me onto our coffee table (breaking it and bruising the shit out of my ass. Not literally of course) and putting a mark on my body that if it were reversed, I'd still be in jail two weeks later. We've been through hell, and immediately after the worst yet, we worked it out and fucking knocked the weekend out of the park.

She didn't offer up that she reached out. I admitted seeing this person's name as she looked at her phone. Everyone got them peripherals, she eyeballs my business just as much as anyone else. I'm the spirit of communication within the context of the convo, I brought up seeing a message from this person. Only then was it, oh I had wished her a happy birthday...

AITAH here for taking exception to my life partner ignoring me when it came to this person definitely before the wedding but more importantly, after my verbal destruction after she assaulted me?

Tldr; long lost friend invited themselves to a wedding in the US, traveling from Europe, just to end up fucking up our discourse months prior, then fucking up our wedding, and after getting verbally annihilated, my wife still is like "hey happy birthday"

Happy to provide specifics. While the execution was assholish, I need outside opinions if I am indeed, the A hole here.