Embracing fears

I made a post asking questions about deities and their relationships because of an unusual experience with Loki. Every relationship is valid, and there isn't just one way of having a relationship. It all depends on you and the deity in mind, and it's something that can be sacred but is very personal and important to both, as it can have an impact (hopefully not harmful).

I've been trying to do more searches, but I can't trust the sources I randomly find without doing more background checks. Still, the general information I grasp is that these are deep connections that are made and are taken seriously and not treated as if it's a fantasy love story, and that's what I have mainly been afraid of happening when processing all of this.

I have a bad past with previous relationships that have made me less interested in dating and letting my feelings grow stronger over someone seems to be too much stress to think about, not to mention that relationships have been turned into transactions for pleasure and gain for their own selfish reasons, and it's disgusting. It's deeply personal, but family has become nothing but a word as I feel only connected by blood and nothing else due to the toxicity that has been deeply embedded since childhood. Making friends isn't even a story I want to get into, as people will laugh at you for even wanting to consider being happy and social with others.

Relationships feel broken to me, and I spent so much time in what years I've lived, being the only one wanting to keep ties until I grew tired of zero reciprocation, and anyone who still wanted ties, I pushed away because of their delayed "concern".

I've concluded that maybe he wants me to face this, stop being afraid and looking for reasons that I shouldn't be loved or what about me is so wrong that i have it somewhere in my system that I'm not deserving of any love, which is why I've shut down and kept to myself, not just romantic relationships but family as well. I've been alone for years and don't want attachments because it's too much to deal with. It's become a defense mechanism, and it's an automatic discomfort to be shown any affection.

It's been about a week, and it's becoming more and more obvious that he's persisting, but not pressuring me into anything, instead gauging (I think) my reaction of how I handle it or if I choose to avoid him again. I haven't yet delved into the situation to the point of communicating it with him, just in case it is my conscience or some part of me being projected. So far, I haven't noticed much beyond avoidance of the idea of a romantic relationship.

Romantic relationships seem to impact me more than family issues. I have always questioned people's intentions and whether they just want to hurt me or gain something. But why would I need to question Loki's intentions the way I have always questioned others? Why would he have any reason to harm me? Why would he have any reason to play tricks on me and "pretend" to be affectionate? He's a trickster, sure, but he isn't cruel or hurtful like others have been previously. hes a god, and I doubt it's his motive. I never experienced something as harmful as what I had been through. He's been gentle and kind; the only time he isn't happy or gentle is when I don't show myself any kindness and treat myself poorly. He's made it clear that I have fears that came from sadness and frustration that, over time, became self-inflicted torment and neglect of these issues, and masking them as horrible flaws that I needed to fix.

I find it hard to believe I'm worth the time or worthy of anything good. I've always thought that way, but I'm learning better than that. He's trying to teach me that I can be loved, that not everything is a trap or dangerous, and that I can feel safe and experience a genuine relationship without betrayal or being seen as less than myself. I shouldn't demonize myself because of other people's actions. And I should never let others decide what I'm worth and deserving of. There's still a lot to think about, and with how long this has really been going on, I need to face this fully; running from it doesn't solve anything, and it can only get worse the more it's left unresolved.