I feel emotionally starved in my marriage after years of giving everything — what do I do?

Seeking advice tl;dr

I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and married for 9. A year into our marriage, we experienced a devastating loss that changed everything. Since then, I’ve been carrying grief, trauma, and responsibilities that I never imagined. Despite all this, I’ve always tried to be a good partner — caring for him, supporting him, and showing love in ways I thought mattered.

But over time, I’ve realized that while he says he loves me, he doesn’t show up in ways that I need. He avoids emotional conversations, shuts down when I share my feelings, and sometimes leaves the house when things get intense — leaving me sitting alone with my heart and confusion. When I express my needs, he brushes them off as “just my perspective” or says there’s nothing wrong. I feel invisible, unheard, and exhausted from trying to reach someone who refuses to meet me halfway.

I’m not asking for extravagance. I’m not asking for perfection. I’m asking for connection — simple presence, reassurance, gestures of care, physical touch, and someone willing to sit with me emotionally. Instead, he sometimes encourages me to leave for trips, throws money at problems, or focuses on other things instead of sitting with the pain in our marriage. It feels like he’s willing to give everything except what matters most: his emotional engagement.

I’ve tried communicating calmly, using “I” statements, and positive reinforcement, but nothing changes. He refuses counseling or therapy and claims he doesn’t need it. I feel trapped — heartbroken but still hoping, hurt but unwilling to give up, and constantly second-guessing myself because he refuses to meet me where I am.

I’m sharing this because I need validation that my feelings are legitimate and guidance on how to navigate a marriage where one partner refuses emotional intimacy. How do you cope when your heart is yearning for connection from someone who can’t—or won’t—give it?