Avoidant ex ghosted after almost 3 years of a relationship

just got out of a 2.5-year relationship and I feel like I’m losing my mind

I (32F) just came out of a breakup that feels like a car crash I never saw coming. We lived together. I supported him financially for years because he couldn’t keep a stable job. He lied about smoking weed, possibly doing coke, and I forgave him more times than I should have. I found messages with other women early in the relationship. I still stayed, thinking things would get better.

A week ago his dad got sick, he went back to California (I live in Texas), and within 48 hours he completely cut me off. No closure, no conversation, no “I’m safe,” nothing. Just disappeared. Blocked location, ignored calls/texts. Left behind the gifts I gave him. Left me with a lease with both our names on it and even our one year old dog. I had to message his friends and family because he won’t even acknowledge me to discuss rent.

He had been acting totally normal and loving just days before. Sharing life updates. Interviewing for jobs here. Making plans. And then left like I never existed

Meanwhile I’m spiraling. One minute I want him to suffer; the next I feel empathy for him and his family. I have bipolar disorder and this emotional whiplash is killing me. I keep rereading our 100,000+ message thread because I can’t accept that the person I loved just switched off like a light.

I know he wasn’t good for me. I know he lied, avoided responsibility, and probably moved on way faster than I can process. I know he’s following other women already. But I still feel this horrible pull toward him, like I wasn’t enough or like he’ll give someone else the version of himself I begged for. I find myself wondering if he misses me too?

I don’t know how to let go of someone who discarded me like this. I don’t know how to delete the messages. I don’t know how to accept that this was real.

I just needed to get this off my chest.