Pls helpppp im losing my mind

So basically one and a half year ago I broke up with this guy, our relationship is whole different story but I basically ended things with him bc we were draining each other mentally he didn’t notice that but I did notice so I broke up with him, (for your information we both have bpd so u can imagine how draining it was+ he was depressed and I’m autistic and it was a whole mess) a month later after that break up I started missing him like crazy I’d think about him all day nonstop 8 months later I text him “I miss u” he said I miss u too bluh bluh and then he called me and told me not to get my hopes up we’re not getting back together I told him I only texted u bc I miss u bluh bluh as a person not a partner then 2 months later we meet and then something happened that’s also a whole different story we ended up cutting each other off and now it has been 9 months and i still think about him thing is I KNOW I dont love him or maybe I do idk what’s wrong with me I’ve never been like this and it’s fking me up so my question is should I tell him how I feel but I’m not hoping for anything I’m just telling him how I feel hoping it’ll help me move on? PLS I NEED ADIVE the thing is I feel all types of emotions with I think of him (disgusted, longing, guilty, resentment, sadness) AND THE LIST GOES ON