Confused ab my identity

I used to identify as a lesbian at 16. I’m currently 21F. I was in a manic episode and they gave me a med that took me out of it basically right away, and I was just laying in the hospital bed thinking about my most recent relationship. It was a with a guy. In chronological order I’ve dated a girl, and two guys after that. Anyways, in the hospital bed just looking at the ceiling I was reflecting on my recent breakup. The entire relationship felt artificial and I’ve always told him that I felt more comfortable as his best friend. I also constantly accused him of being gay but he’d always say he’s not. Whenever he’d try to kiss me I’d subconsciously move away from him and his affection was just nasty to me. I get icked out by every man on the fucking planet. I don’t hate them I just find them disgusting. After I resolved the void I constantly tried to fill with relationships I finally find solitude in being by myself. I told myself in the hospital bed maybe I’m asexual. Then I remembered I love women. Imagining my life with a woman sounds like pure bliss, but I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with a man. Growing old and getting married to one sounds like a fucking nightmare. But what is making me feel conflicted is the fact that I was loving to my ex boyfriends and enjoyed having sss with them. Kinda. After id always get post nut clarity and feel gross. I hated when they’d bring up how I acted in the moment. My breakup is still fresh and idk I miss the idea of my ex I think. But something always felt wrong being with a guy.