Do you ever feel like you’re not doing “bad” enough?

BP2 here— got myself admitted over the weekend for a suicide plan, and am now on a 2-week hold while we try changing medications (again). I know this sounds stupid but… I have felt so much worse than this in the past. I’ve dealt with chronic SI my whole life. I don’t feel like I should be taking up the space and resources to be here, and like some of the other treatments I’m considering bringing up to my psychiatrist (ketamine vs ect) are just too extreme for the state I’m in. Being here, being suicidal, it all just feels so normal that I can’t really be doing that bad, right? Idk, does anyone relate? Any words of wisdom?