Warning : trauma dump . Don’t read If u arent in the mood for an offload of burdens

I’ve just shot up some meth but my thoughts are consumed by thinking of all the things I’ve lost due to addiction and mental health . My friend , the only person I could really be totally open with , died at 19 years old , I know it was an overdose . Likely heroin . Most of the old friends don’t talk to me at all anymore , I think they got sick of my addiction , my mental health issues , my oversharing while bipolar manic or on stimulants , or just in a bad state . I just was in so much pain and I shared it , posting self harm or a collection of used needles . Idk what I was thinking . I was on bromazolam and meth .

The 2 friends that will reply to me , I don’t want to lose by burdening them . My mum is amazing and understanding , but she’s already scared for me and I don’t want to scare her more . She’s been worried sick about me since I was 17 (22 now ) , ever since I got addicted to hard drugs . She would check at night if I was ok and would worry I was dead because no matter what she did I couldn’t be roused and my breathing was slow . Hospitalisation from drugs , court etc .

The person I could share anything with is now dead, to the same diseases I have . I have been tapering off a very large amount of alcohol for a while successfully . Down to only 2 drinks a day from at least 15 glasses of wine a day , up to a litre of vodka . When I found out he was dead I wanted another drink so badly . It makes me think how that could’ve been my fate so many times , and it may still be . My mum said it would break me if I died , and that’s why I want to live .

I haven’t just lost friends , I’ve lost pretty much everything . Jobs ( I’m unemployable now ) , places to stay, damaged relationships wirh parents and stepdad . My health ( I have had a bunch of infections from needles , some overdoses , and some other hospitalisations from related things . My mental health has gone from bad to worse ( I have OCD, generalised anxiety and bipolar type 2 ) . I haven’t had a romantic relationship since I was 18 ( I had a serious , as in sexual and in love , relationship when I was 14-15, and another 17-18. Then a couple hookups , nothing for like 4 years now . I live in a town I hate , with my dad who is , in a way , abusive . I can’t be at mums unless I’m sober and Ik i would fuck that up , and If I move I’ll have less money to fund my habits .

I worked from 13 years old to nearly 20. I was in “gifted “ classes at school doing subjects 2 years above my age , I was told I was extremely talented at music and some subjects at school , and that I should go to university and be successful . I found school very easy but gradually worked less hard and stopped caring . I was smoking a lot of weed , doing drugs , and anxiety was making me throw up before school n anything else that made me nervous . I had to do one paper after leaving school to get university entrance .

I lost my partner due to a bad depression while in withdrawals , and nearly all my friends because my previous ex told them I was abusive ( I wasn’t , and she later admitted that to me ) . I only found out later why so many friends just left . That was before I got hooked on pills .

I’m so fkn lost