Christmas season is here and I’ve been hit by a huge wave of depression, tomorrow will be 6 months post break up.

She (27f) and I (32m) dated for 4 years. I’m an expat in a foreign country and all my friends are either traveling home or with family over Christmas. It’s hitting me hard and I am incredibly lonely. After a month or two of being okay, I’ve been hit with a serious bout of depression.

We were classic anxious–avoidant. I stayed when I should’ve left many times. I could not walk away, I believed we could fix things. She wanted to be a good partner but had some internal issues. We joked I’d never leave her and she’d have to leave me.

Three main issues:

1. Communication: She was always the victim, never took accountability or apologized without a huge fight first. I over-explained and came across as overly critical. She’d wall up, I’d pour everything out. It was always on me to do the emotional groundwork, find solutions, explain why we felt what we felt, and how to grow.

2. Microcheating: I’m embarrassed admitting this, but I stayed after catching her texting other guys multiple times. I didn’t even know what microcheating was. It ranged from just giving guys her number in bars to full-on texting and meeting up “as friends.” There were times she “got too drunk and her phone died and she slept at a friend’s”. Always an excuse, networking, free drinks, “he’s my boss,” “he’s old enough to be my dad,” “why are you so insecure?” It created severe trust issues. She eventually just stopped socializing altogether and ignored my advice to do hobbies or find social outlets that weren’t bars and clubs. This is where I started to see her change.

3. Broken promises/boundaries: She asked me not to take a job abroad and stay for one more year because she had a good job at a time and we would stay and reassess in 12 months, so I stayed, signed a year lease, financed a motorbike. Six months later she took a job abroad with no discussion, just tears and said she had to take it. We did 6 months LDR until she was let go and returned. She told her parents she was single while telling me they knew she was flying to my country for Christmas to meet my family last year. Again, always the victim, family pressure, strict parents, etc.

The breakup was messy. I feel she didn’t want to be the dumper, so she became a partner I’d have to leave. Staying out late, telling me I didn’t need to know where she was and who she was with. Eventually I left, and like an idiot I’d let her sign the house lease because she’s local, which screwed me over. I removed her off all socials, deleted her number, and moved out.

I accept all of that. It needed to end, I deserved better. I moved out. Then shit hit the fan.

Less than three weeks after the breakup she reached out, said she loved me, cares, saw us getting back together, but needed space. I said the only way I’d agree is if we didn’t date others. She said that was completley fair and we agreed not to date and give the break up time.

The very next day I messaged her about picking up the last of my belongings, a few boxes in the carport. No reply for 12 hours, then a one-word response saying "fine", this is the day after her reaching out and telling me how much she loves me etc. I knew something was off. That night I drove there, no one home. After meeting friends, I made the stupid mistake of stopping by again at about 2am on my way home. She had just arrived home with another man. They’d been drinking, still putting down their things.

What followed was brutal. She went straight into defense mode, denying everything, calling him “just a friend,” then attack, calling me her crazy ex who couldn’t accept the breakup etc, etc. I told him to leave and basically begged, I tried to explain how this is not right, while she tore into me.

"You are too much" "I don't care about being a good person, I will grow when I want to." “I’m a high-value woman, I can do better than you.” “I don’t care about love, I can find a man who makes more money.” “I hate you and never want to see your face again. My life is so much better now.” “I can do whatever I want and I don’t have to worry about your feelings.”

Those lines have replayed over and over in my head for 6 months.

I want to clarify that this is not some village girl. She came from a wealthy family in a big city, went to international schools and studied abroad. She was very sweet, kind, and artsy, quirky, intelligent. She is not a stereotypical gold digger in South East Asia, or so I thought for about 3 years.

After the break up, I reached out three times over the next few months for logistical reasons, and once asking to talk after we drove past each other several times in a week. I asked about my belongings and a package that was delivered, blocked on one form of contact, then the cleaner delivered my things to another house she works at.

Then the vet contacted me in broken English about taking the cats away. I messaged and called asking what was going on, we had agreed she’d keep them until I found a permanent place. Blocked again.

Finally I emailed her about transferring my bike into my name. She took days or weeks to reply each time. She claimed I made her uncomfortable by showing up late at night, she doesn't feel safe, said she didn’t want to communicate with me, said she’d send power of attorney and her ID that I asked for, but never followed through. No accountability. Said we “see things differently” and insisted it wasn’t cheating, she should not have left the door open, she is never open to communicating with me again.

I haven’t reached out in about 3 months. (I think) She still has boxes of my belongings, a lot of my decor, my cats, and my bike is still legally hers. All her friends blocked me too, which I can only assume is based on lies. One friend I’m close with told me she even accused me of SA because we slept together once the day before the breakup and the next morning she said she was half-asleep and didn’t mean to initiate. (We were both asleep and she initiated in the early hours of the morning, she woke me up by feeling me up, she helped me undress, she then said shes not feeling it and we stopped, she said I should have been comforting her which I briefly did, then I was frustrated and went to sleep on the sofa, the next day she claimed she did not consent)

I know it’s toxic to blame everything on your ex. I’m not perfect. I was too hard on her, expected the same accountability I hold myself to, wasn’t always a safe space for her emotions, struggled to understand that her brain works differently. I brought up old fights constantly, especially recurring issues like the microcheating.

What I can’t figure out is why I still care. Why I replay those words over and over in my head. Why it hurts so much. Why I’ve dated around but don’t care about anyone. Why I’m on dating apps hoping the next swipe is her. Why I imagine her coming back saying it was all a mistake just so I can tell her to fuck off. It’s pathetic. In every other area I’m solid, leadership role, speak on stage, fitness freak, stronger and fitter than most at my Muay Thai gym, date attractive women, good social circle, but this one girl is stuck in my head and it is absolutely wrecking my self worth.

My self-worth feels at rock bottom. I feel like the world secretly hates me. Compliments don’t feel genuine. I was suicidal before, went through therapy, had rebounds, tried dating again, but I cut things off as soon as someone shows even a hint the same behaviour.

I’m embarrassed to be alone at Christmas. I told a few close people and got invites to Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, and a pre-Christmas this Friday before everyone flies home. It looks like I will still be alone on Christmas Day.

The suicidal thoughts are creeping back. A lot.

I’m considering flying to Thailand for a month to train Muay Thai and skip the holidays entirely. Just train.

This is a wall of rambling, but I needed to get that off my chest.

Thanks for reading.