I Need Help (long read)

Hi. I was in a 9 month relationship with a guy. He ended things. I ultimately agreed. Reasons being we are both extremely unhealed from past hurt and childhood trauma. It eventually bled into our relationship.

We were extremely serious. We talked when we wanted to get married, when we were going to buy a house, financial stuff, kids, we talked about how we were going to work through our trauma-all real stuff. He was the first guy I ever truly loved and felt loved by.

When we broke things off he told me he didn’t want to be friends because it would be too hard. I said no and we stayed “friends”. That eventually led to slowly being cut out of his life in different ways. That hurt worse and was a bad decision on my end.

I kept trying to reach out because for me, it was not a clean cut. He left the door open for a what if and for someone with attachment issues, that is horrible. I needed more closure and I never got it.

Pass by a month later and we’re still on “cordial” terms. I kept seeing him in random places which kept allowing the wound to reopen in certain places. Almost exactly a month later, I run into him at Walmart with another girl. Me being an absolutely crazy bitch, I went off on him. He had told me he wasn’t going to see anyone, so when I saw him it hurt. That was the first time I ever yelled at him. I then immediately went into blocking him on everything, having him delete our discord together and cut all ties of communication with him.

Today is a little past 2 months and I found out he is still seeing her. Now, I don’t know the context of the relationship but only the grapevine version. For obvious reasons, this hurts regardless of the dynamic.

I will be going to therapy, but during the in between I would like help from anyone that has maybe been in a similar situation and has suggestions to help me move forward. I’ve been doing all that goo-goo shit and taking care of myself and growing and blah blah blah…but I am so painfully attached to him and I am starting to hate myself because of it. I would wait for him even after all of that and logically speaking, I don’t know why I would ever consider it.

If you made it this far, thank you. Any words of encouragement are appreciated. If you’re going through a similar thing right now, I’m sorry and you’re not alone. 🖤