November challenge experience

Possible TW. Read at your own discretion.

I completed the November challenge. It was my first time abstaining from porn in several years. I have to say i found it to be a breeze. I didn't have to block any sites or change any other habits. The only difficulty if any was to remember that I'm doing the challenge in the first place, at which i was successful.

The problem is when i masturbate, even without watching porn all i fantasize of is porn, the porn i used to watch, or porn that i came across earlier in the day (which i didn't seek out and i had no difficulty swiping away from). My porn intake (from memory) was weak so i started building up from it and making up my own porn scenarios in my head. And honestly it feels worse. Because if i watch porn the ugliness comes from the screen and I'm sort of a victim to it, or at least that's what it feels like. But now it feels like the ugliness comes from myself, and I'm now the fucked-up one not just what s on the screen (my fetishes are quite ugly). it makes me feel disgusting and awful.

I would chase an orgasm the entire day before and skip eating for it. Without porn i can kinda keep masturbation duration down to some minutes before I'm either satisfied or tired. Abstaining from porn drastically reduced the amount of time i spend masturbating and as a result it reduced how depressed i become after. So i can say i got positive effects from abstaining. But it didn't heal me from the fucked-upness that's saturated my brain, and in the way I explained above, it feels worse without it.