cheating :/

TW: ideation, planning etc.

seeking opinions

hi all, looking for some advice from people in the other position. i (20F) cheated on my bf (20M) a few weeks ago. In an effort to paint a clearer picture, im going to share some background info: i have been having pretty bad depressive episodes on and off for the last few months. Each month there was a different destructive decision i made: in september i ruined my academic standing by not being able to get out of my apartment for classes and not reaching out to anyone. During the episode in october i was rashly buying any/everything that sparked interest in me, and am currently in a financial hole. A few weeks ago, i made up my mind on a date (iykyk) and the only thing really stopping me was my partner and how loving and stable our relationship has been the last 2 years. I went onto our school’s private social media server and found a random person online to meet up with. Leading up to it i was nauseous and genuinely did not want to go. I took an edible and went over despite regretting even planning this. Needless to say it was not an enjoyable experience, but it still happened. I scrubbed myself for hours after and of course, felt very guilty. We have never had any serious issues and are long distance so he would never know if i didnt say anything. Yet, i keep going back and forth on whether i should say something. Logically, i think this is what i wanted so i could finally finish my plan, but as i said i still love him dearly. Just wanted to vent and hear other people’s thoughts.