My bad...

Ahh... Even if I try, my ability with words doesn't allow me to convey everything I feel, how it hurts, how it corrodes...

There is guilt for something we did that was wrong.

There is guilt for not having done what should have been done.

And there is guilt for doing what has to be done. For feeling, for knowing what should be; how it should be.

In the end, they are all bad (of course, guilt for having done something wrong has its positive side, as it shows that you now understand the seriousness of your past actions)

There is a guilt inside me that I am struggling to resolve, where it makes me question whether I am actually doing injustice, am "wanting too much" or exaggerating, etc. Even if my rationality says that there is no such thing, [of course I am not perfection] all the data, all the facts and in fact I don't even need them, however I continue to blame myself.

This text is a bit confusing and not very clear [as a reflection of the subject in my mind]

Making something easier (or not) I have always been involved in relationships (romantic and non-romantic) that I consider to be ungrateful, unfair, where I always come out badly (I know there were good things), the classic, due to low self-esteem, insecurity, fear of loneliness, lack of self-love. It's obvious that it came from the bullying I suffered for many years as a child and even a teenager (which didn't actually stop, in my case it's so gradual, I just got used to it) But even though it was something that I just treated as "natural" because it was so common, my real self never rested, I never died (as I often feel and are made to feel) Even if I try -and ahh, how I try- not to care, not to feel, the truth is that my child, my spirit, whatever it is or whatever you want to call it, it's as if it were whispering in my ear, inside my bowels. Reminding me that no matter how much I "want" to be a "slave", freedom is what I need and that even if I want to escape, for fear of reprimand or loneliness, I will never be able, much less anyone, to truly put out the fire of self-deserving in me.

Yes, maybe I'm everything people tell me -oh how they said it- selfish, egocentric among other perjorative words.

The truth is, I only want what I know I deserve (maybe not unconsciously) And for this I am fighting to be stronger than everything and everyone and especially stronger than the ME that insists on validation from others, on saying that I am the wrong person, because I cannot hide, avoid showing, telling the truth, that even if I try I will never feel satisfaction in a relationship where the person breaks the non-negotiable values ​​and laws of my existence.

I know it's not just me, so I hope that whoever is in need feels that they are not alone, they are not in the wrong for wanting to get out of emotional "slavery", the tendency is to step on you, tell you that you are wrong so that you end up returning to the same place.

Gratitude for those who had the patience to read all of this. And even more gratitude to those who can, give words of support and encouragement (no need if you don't believe, I don't want lies)