Suicidle Thoughts

Hey Guys, can you please help me out. I have been thinking of Suicide since I was about ten years old. I have had two open heart surgeries and one catheter surgery. I was just wondering can heart surgeries contribute to suicidle ideation in any way?! All I want to do is KILL my self. I have been thinking of it the most, from my Surgery in 2010 to my surgery in 2016. I felt better from ages 16-19. Then COVID hit. All I wanted to do was to kill my self. I have been feeling this way since March of 2020... It is now five years later. I had infective endocarditis about four years ago. I was happy when it happened which was really fucked up.

Now, I just want to end my life. All I do now is build and ride motorized bicycles. It gives me the thrill of suicide and wanting to die. The thing is, I feel like it's not helping as much any more. I tried phsycology but the treatment did NOT help at all. It just made me more angry. This is starting to SCARE me now... I want to live past age 27 not die at age 27. So what should I do? I go to church. I also do hobbies. Model Rocketry is what I am planning.

I want to feel normal again. What do you guys suggest? I just want to start dating and living a normal life as well. I don't want to use a girl friend as a phsycologist but I just want to talk to some one. All I want to do is be around people. Yes, my family is narcisstic and abusive. This is the first time I have come out about it in my life. I am not trying to defame my parents. I am just saying, I also haft to work with the ass holes as well so I am not happy about that at all. I know view suicide as a way OUT not as relief. Its a cheap way out. So if you have any advice please let me know- 4LAT_4OUR.