Everyone tells me I was emotional abused but I don’t know what to believe anymore

I (24M) ended a relationship a few months ago, but my head is still a mess. I keep blaming myself for everything, even though people around me say the dynamic was emotionally abusive. I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore.

There were good moments, of course. I cared deeply about her (21F). But a lot of things happened that left me confused, anxious, and constantly feeling like I was the problem.

One big issue was her relationship with one of her ex’s. She kept contact with him even after I expressed (calmly) that it made me uncomfortable. At first she agreed to stop. But then one day she messaged me saying he kept calling crying, and she invited him over to her house because she “couldn’t leave him helpless”.

After that, something shifted in me. I felt insecure and started doubting everything. I kept wondering if they were still talking behind my back. Not because I wanted to be controlling, but because my trust was shaken.

There were also moments where she said in fights things like: “I have much more maturity than you. I’m 21 but I have maturity of someone 27/28.” “If you don’t change in a month, this is over.”

She would yell during arguments and say it was the only way for me to “listen.”

She also once called my brother an “imbecil.” I hate that I even have to write this, because it makes me realize how many disrespectful things I let slide.

Another major topic was long distance. She planned to go abroad after her degree. She told me I “didn't support her,” even though I was constantly trying to make a plan for us to survive long distance, to reduce the distance after her master’s, and to make it work without being in a LDR for years. She said wanting a plan was me “pressuring” her. I just didn’t want a relationship stuck in limbo.

She also gave me contradictory messages. One day she’d say “I don’t want you there, I won’t have time for you,” and then in front of my parents she’d say she wanted me to visit and stay for a week. In messages she’d say “I prefer you to only come in May,” then the next week she’d say she wanted me there earlier. I never knew what version was real.

There was also this incident where one week after she went away to study abroad she started posting pictures with guys she has just met in the club. The kind of pictures where there is some intimacy for someone who is in a relationship. I might have made a mistake here where I didn’t communicated the best way but I told her it made me uncomfortable and asked if we could talk about it. She immediately started saying I was controlling, toxic, even though all I wanted was a conversation, respect and reassurance. I reinforce that I made a mistake and might have not communicated the best way because I kept feeling that my boundaries were not being respected even tho she knew them.

Every argument she constantly yelled at me, criticize me and name called me. She would say she was yelling because it was the only way for me to listen. She would say I didn’t listen. She would say things “if you don’t change in a month I’m breaking up with you and I’ll always be here waiting for you to change” “I feel like I’m crazy in this relationship with you”.

Now, months later, I’m stuck with this guilt that the breakup was my fault. That maybe I wasn’t understanding enough. That maybe I failed her. But at the same time, I remember everything above and wonder whether I was being manipulated into thinking I was always the one causing problems.

I feel broken, confused, and honestly a bit crazy. My mind keeps looping on “what if I was the toxic one?” even though deep down I know I tried my absolute best.

Where did I went wrong? Did I pressure her? Didn’t I supported her to study abroad? I feel crazy.

I guess I’m asking: Does this sound like emotional abuse or manipulation? Or am I just overthinking and blaming her unfairly? Everyone tells me she manipulated me but I don’t want to accept it.

I just want clarity. I want my mind to stop. I want to understand what actually happened.