All hope is gone? (I just need to dump everything in a place where people can actually see my pain)

(Trigger warnings: ||Self-image issues, struggles with suicidal tendencies , mentions of attempted suicide and self-harming, family issues, (self) social isolation, loss of a loved one and grief and a talk of homophobia and transphobia.|| Please skip this post if you can't handle topics like these </3)

Alright, how do I start this? A backstory? It's been 4-5 years since I've felt this way: Abnormal and inhuman. I knew that I was an odd one out---so loud and so hyper, with my fixations on niche things and having a small social circle. I remember the days where I would swear silently about my dad because he and mom always argued, and I started to feel like I was the cause for their fighting. I felt useless. My dad told me I was. I had times where I struggled to follow instructions, I get where he came from. School was hell for me, basically. Sure, I was in contact with two friends from elementary that also went there, but everywhere I looked in my classroom everyone had a duo, or if I was devastated enough to notice, a friend *group*. I felt like I was crumbling every time I saw and thought "Why not me?"

Later that year my father was hospitalized, my mother taking care of him while I was left at home. I didn't get my situation during that time. I wish I did. He died, to put it simply. I wasn't bothered by it, but it hurts a lot now. Point #2 on why I feel abnormal: I don't have a complete family.

Next school year came around and I had to transfer and move closer to my moms work place. It was hell I tell you. Same old, same old. Socially isolated and complicated, being poked fun at because I'm not fluent in my native tongue and because of my looks. God I felt like I wanted to stop showing up entirely.

Then, this year. Same old, yes. Bullying gets worse, my feelings become an overdrive.

Now, how about my problems?

When I was 11 I tried to kill myself in the most silliest way possible: Taking a whole pack of my chewables (I believe to prevent me from getting colds?) and heading to bed all willy-nilly like that. Silly, I know! Aha- that isn't the only thing I did when I was 11 to hurt myself that was stupid. I used mechanical pencils that I stopped using (without the lead) and tried to slash my wrists with them, and on some occasions it was ballpoint markers that ran out of ink. I hated myself so much I actually wanted to try and hurt myself. I still do, obviously. Either 11-12? I wrote my own tombstone. "I'm sorry I couldn't be the daughter you wanted me to be." JESUS.

And now for my present problems. I've always struggled with how I look, how I act, how I *anything*. Everything I do feels so out of line, I feel so abnormal. And with the icing on the cake that I need to decide on my future? The hell am I supposed to do? I don't want to do anything. I can't be myself, my mom would kill me. I know it. She'd throw me out of the house the moment I confess I even FEEL like I like girls or if I were to express I feel like a guy. I'm tired of this. I want to be normal. I don't WANT to be me. I want to be someone who's happy and who can be who they are, free of judgement. I want to be a daughter, not a son, but my heart says otherwise. Stupid heart. I'd chuck it out of I could. I remember when I tried to tell my mom I liked girls, and dude she was so mad. "What would your father think?" Oh wow great timing he's DEAD. I want to be okay, I want to be liked, but I know I won't be with who I am. An abnormality in an ocean of casualties.

I want to disappear and I want to die but I can't because I've done so much. I promised my mom I wouldn't leave her side.

I want to disappear and not feel guilty about it.

I don't want to live anymore as who I am anymore.

I'm tired.

.... Take care of yourselves, and don't be like me.