Flirting and expectations, how to handle rejections?

So I made a drunk post today and now I am a bit more sober but tldr is, bf (LL) went on holidays. We were flirting lots, he comes back, we go on date, more flirting. I don't like drinking alcohol but I said I will do if you are planning to do anything when we get back home. We are about to head back home when bf says, he is tired 'I never said we would do anything after' and it upset me. I was drunk and I think I said if I knew I wouldn't drink alcohol, I really didn't feel like it. I was visibly upset but I also really tried hard to return to the cheerful chatter.

Now as a woman, I know well how it feels like to be pressured into sex and I can't express enough how incredibly heartbroken I feel right now after my partner said that he feels pressured into sex. I hate myself so much for getting upset it makes me physically sick. A thought of him feeling pressured into anything scares me so bad I make it a pivotal point of our conversations about sex.

Yes I did cry and I cried other times too but always in secrecy or when he wasn't home. Tonight when we got to bed he tried to initiate with me after he rejected me, I said I am not in a mood and he kept pushing me for conversation even though I said it's not good time because of alcohol. I really wasn't in the mood after crying, him rejecting me just killed it for me.

Then he said that we can't flirt at all without expectations for sex but that's not true at all. He has been flirting with me, I've been flirting with him too numerous times, almost daily. When he rejects me, I stop flirting because I don't want him to feel pressured. I don't see us flirting or touching as something that will immediately lead to sex.

He said that tonight he was in the mood but by the end of the night he just got really tired and that's fair I understand but I still got upset and I tried really hard to not show it but it turns out I ruined the night.

I messed up one time. I didn't take on well when my partner shared his kinks, it just felt like too much in one go. I felt bad about my reaction and the way I hurt him. I've tried to talk it out, to mend my mistake and suggested trying things out one by one. I bought books and read things online about the topic but he never wanted to do anything. He says he haven't gotten over it and I have no idea how to help with that.

We never had sex much and we have been together 4 years. We have sex about one time a month but not more. I don't initiate often because I don't want him to feel pressured and I am anxious about being rejected. I am the one to initiate conversations. I don't always get upset for getting rejected but on days like today it felt tough because I didn't feel like drinking alcohol.