i f20 and m22 broke up with me a week or two ago. After a 3 (almost 4 this month) relationship.

I have so many memories on my phone of us. I don't care that he hurt me (emotionally) I'm willing to love him through his avoidant attachment style. I'm an anxious type. He and i struggled with p*rn addiction. l'd see onlyfans, fansly and red gifs on his phone. He didn't go thru mine but i never cheated or talk to any guys ever. I don't know if it's cause i think i'm worthless or something. It did make me insecure. I kept pressuring him to be better and id never yell at him. I had given him an ultimatum a couple months ago and i saw it 1-2 more times. He stopped for a bit. But in those years i became more and more hyper vigilant. He'd avoid serious convos sometimes. I'd tell him to talk to me or say something when we'd argue. He was never violent and would take a while to respond. And id cry a lot.. and yeah he said he couldn't do it anymore. And id just do anything to get him back. He was my first EVERYTHING and i was his first EVERYTHING. I someday hope we get back together. I don't know why i can't let go. And i don't want to let go. I really don't. I hate hearing the words "you'll find better" but i just yearn for him and i'm gettinf heart palpitations writing this cause i'm so sad and stressed. I yearn for his presence. I just want him. We laughed so much together about the stupidest shit and we got high together and it was fun. So many good moments and memories. I have voice memos too. He aligns with my morals and values. I miss his face and his laugh. And i miss everything about him deeply. I know he’s an avoidant cause all the signs are there. The common ones. You know what im talking about. He checked up on me recently after a week and a couple days..He said it's hard for him but he's trying to stay strong I'm willing to understand him Im committed to him. He was my tirst EVERYTHING and i was his first EVERYTHING. I someday hope we get back together. I don't know why i can't let go. And i don't want to let go. I really don't. I hate hearing the words "you'll find better" but i just yearn for him and i'm gettinf heart palpitations writing this cause i'm so sad and stressed. I yearn for his presence. I just want him. We laughed so much together about the stupidest shit and we got high together and it was fun. So many good moments and memories. I have voice memos too. He aligns with my morals and values. I miss his face and his laugh. And i miss everything about him deeply. I wish i could talk to him without overwhelming him. He checked up on me recently. He said it's hard for him but he's trying to stay strong. I'm willing to understand him. Im committed to him. He said this was forever. And i absolutely hated when he said that cause i can't imagine forever without him. I sound crazy huh? Yeah i can admit. i guess. I do feel like i'm going crazy without him. Why is love such a drug. l'd truly understand him for life. I'd give him space. I'd do anything for him. I am so so sad.. I've been thinking about getting a bike. I don't know how i'll ever forget him.