I [19F] can’t enjoy intimacy with my [20M] boyfriend

My boyfriend and I have an almost perfect relationship. He and I are best friends. We die laughing every time we’re together, and I can always count on him to take care of me and support me. I love spending time with him, but there’s something I always dread thinking about… sex. My first time with him was around 6 months ago, and it was horrible. It was extremely painful, and after a few minutes in I cried and we stopped. We tried multiple times, and even if I was well yk.. lubricated down there, it still hurt. The only times it was semi-pleasureable, were either when I was drunk, or on my period. Shortly after losing my virginity I had a gynecological visit and had a pelvic exam, it was extremely painful as well, and they told me that feeling pain isn’t normal. They ordered an ultrasound for the appointment but cancelled on me, and unfortunately with my ADHD I haven’t bothered making another appointment. With our difficulties, we haven’t really pursued penetrative sex much further, and he’s been really sweet in not pressuring me. However, now when we have foreplay, I feel so sexually disconnected from him. For some reason, and I don’t know if this is normal, but my boyfriend’s natural scent and taste (his saliva, sweat, precum), always throws me off and grosses me out. He’s a hygienic man, but somehow his scent still bothers me. When I was 16, I had another boyfriend whom I was intimate, but I actually loved his scent and smell. I don’t know if it’s a hormone/pheromone thing, but sometimes I genuinely find it hard to stay turned on. He’s noticed my pushing away and distance during intimacy, and he’s expressed confusion and frustration. It’s been frustrating for me too, since I love foreplay to be long and a gradual build up, but it’s hard to get there when you can’t stop thinking about how you can’t stand your partners scent. Additionally, it’s hard for that build up to happen anyways because my boyfriend always seems in a rush. I want sex to feel like an exploration, but to him it’s a race. He always tells me to tell him what to do during sex, which I hate because it completely throws me out of the moment. Instead, I tell him what I would’ve liked better after sex. I’ve never came during sex with my boyfriend before, or anyone for that matter, and even after countless “constructive discussions” it’s the same every time. I can’t help but feel frustrated and angry with my boyfriend. Last time we were intimate, I received the worst head of my life, when we were done I asked him bitterly, “have you ever tried researching or looking into ways to help me feel good?” Because from my point of view, if my partner is having difficulty connecting with me sexually, I would try to look up if anyone has the same issue and what they did to turn on and excite their partner. I know it’s not fair for me to be angry, but I’m just tired of feeling disconnected and disappointment about something that should be fun. Has anyone ever gone through this ? I love him very very much and I just want to feel normal again