emotional invalidation

it was MY fault i am psychologically and emotionally stunted for life as an adult. because it was MY fault i spent my entire adolescence overprotected in a foster home, singled out and having signfiicant less freedom than everyone else, consistently infantilised and dehumanised, because i was perceived as too stupid incapable and emotionally volatile to be trusted with privileges a normal teenager should have. and as a consequence- i struggle severely with life skills, i was shocked at the world/society for various reasons upon leaving care, i haven't seen many films or tv, i am slowly in the process of unlearning the heavily biased worldviews i used to have, i act embarrassingly optimistic and naive about things most people joke at, also embarrassingly stiff and obedient and cautious in situations most peple wouldn't care, i feel so out of place and uncool and inferior among my peers.

i'm extremely disgusted with myself. what a dramatic, unstable, HYSTERICAL, impulsive, irrational, short-sighted FAT LITTLE GIRL. i wish i were the pale-skinned, dead inside, vacant stare, withdrawn boy with messy hair and baggy clothes.

anyway

i've been going to hospital a lot recently. because my health anxiety is so severe. i'm apalled by the way certain nurses treat me. today when they were doing my bloods i urged them millions of times to not move the needle to much but they did, and as i was crying in agony they thought it was "unnecessary screaming". after the failed first attempt they said "typical". they talked to me with a slow, soft infantilising tone of voice. and they told me to "shush" a lot.
not the first time it's happend. not the first time i'm even more traumatised. it's just building upon itself in a viscous cycle.

while i were waiting for results i was venting about something else on PDB. someone claimed that my trauma from being harrassed and bullied (one example being a child hitting on me), they thought that "by the way you talk" (they put that instead of "by the way you write", implying i'm too communicative which isn't how i want to be) my trauma is not that serious and that real trauma is like being r@ped or bereaved, and that i am not actually traumatised society has brainwashed me into believing i am. they made me feel so stupid. they also thought i was the one hitting on the kids, not the other way around. they thought i was some kind of child predator when im not.