Worst Year of My Life

My 41(F) and my now ex(38M) boyfriend moved into a new home about a year and a half ago. Shortly after that he started discussing working in another city during the week short term(about a Year) but coming home on the weekends. Combined, we have five children that were very close to each other and in age. With the new position, would come exposure to a lot of people(women) but it would also be considered a position of power. This lead to a lot of insecurity on my part. I was also starting to push him away due to some resentment, maybe a little jealousy, and fear of losing him. Couple all of that with the added responsibility of the new home; bills, cleaning, four dogs, bigger space and more land, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed. He would try to reassure me and I feel like I continued to be anxious. He starts the job in April. He does in fact come home on the weekends and my depression and anxiety ramp up. I continue to push him away not even consciously at this point. I was deeply missing my best friend. We were really good together prior to this. Which makes all of this so difficult. End of May, he comes home on a Friday. I wake up on Saturday and he isn't in bed. I felt lonely. I go looking for him and its around 8am. He is sitting at the table. I ask him what he is doing and he gets defensive. We then continue with the day. Bickering but not terrible. A small argument turned to him screaming in the middle of the driveway that he was done. And that was it. He didn't want to work on anything. There was no fixing it. I begged, I pleaded, I cried. Nothing. I turned mean and he turned more callous.

This has now gone on for several months. We have gone through periods of not speaking. More fighting. Begging, pleading, crying. Typically me being angry or accusatory. Feeling used. Helping him get to a certain point in his career and then feeling abandoned. Left with a lot of bills. He signed the quit claim deed on the house without even discussing it with me. He told me after it was done. I was gutted. It was HIS DREAM property. Not even mine. It is also very expensive with a high interest rate. Which has lead me to work more. His job is also very busy, high stress, 12-14 hour days so very little time to not only process but grieve. I am stuck here in the house and STG I find a sock of his every time I do laundry.

I have tried to date. I have gone out on a few dates. Talked to a few men. Nothing feels good. Nothing feels close to the first date I had with him. I have been married before for 13 years and this was worse and I don't know why. The pain of this has been intense. We had continued to intermittently talk but Thanksgiving was very difficult for me and he did not want to speak on a holiday to avoid an argument. I have been to therapy, increased my medication, listened to hypnosis videos, started listening to a bible podcast(previously agnostic). Nothing is working. The anxiety is intense. I have joined a yoga studio but feel like I can never go due to one reason or another. I feel like I will never love someone else again.

This past Sunday we started speaking again. Great conversations. I have been clear that I will only be friends if it could potentially lead to restarting our relationship but that there is a lot of broken trust here on both sides. He says he doesn't want to be friends with a caveat and that if thats my expectation, he doesn't want to be friends. I have reminded him of his issues with me being friends with exes(of only a couple months and not buying a house with them) when we were dating and why does he think I could continue to date with him in my life. He agrees but states "I think thats dumb". I read something last week that indicated he may have cheated on me at the end of our relationship. I hadn't processed it yet and he denies it all. Theres a lot more to it that I am unable to get into. Tonight we got into another big argument and I said some hurtful things related to this information. He feels as though I take advantage of his forgiveness and I feel as though he takes advantage of my love for him. Theres trust issues both ways. He also said tonight, "I have a lot of things I want to do with my life and I want you there with me, as a friend". Like, what?

What it comes down to is during our relationship, we were best friends. We don't know how to not be friends. He admitted that to me tonight which he hadn't before. He says "I don't know how to not be your friend" but like in the next breath he says "people breakup, get over it. move on." He has had very few relationships, but I try to tell him that this is not how people break up. I say they block each other and if you don't want to work on things, and if the relationship wasn't good enough, why would you want to be their friend? We didn't date for a few months and it didn't work out? We literally bought a house together and were planning our retirement.

I am absolutely miserable without him. I don't know that he will ever change his mind on the relationship because he is a ridiculously stubborn person. He says "If being friends without a relationship hurts you too much, then lets not be friends, but that dumb. This is December, get over it". I can't. Super long post but I don't know what to do. I feel like everyone will side with my friends and family and say "he's a jerk!" but I think there needs to be some accountability on my side too. I get to the point where I feel everything is my fault and I obsess over it. When do you give up on someone? Even at this age, I can't let go. I am well educated, conventionally attractive, make really good money and could potentially meet someone again I guess. I am no longer even attracted to anyone else. I am lost.

Please help.