i have nobody but you

when i was 14, i was bullied in school, and subsequently dropped out. i had nobody at all, and began sending explicit images to women much older than me. when i was 15, i began dating a 20 year old online. we did a lot of lewd stuff, but as time passed and she started meds that made her lose her sex drive, and she had admittedly lost all interest in me, and said she only bothered with talking to me because she felt guilty. we had a lot of fights where she'd block me, and id spend days begging for her back. and i guess it is my fault for welcoming her back every time because the times this cycle happened was in the double digits. she told me she tried to order sn to kill herself because of me. our last fight was over me dating my one friend at the time (we dated for like a week and then realized we're better as friends), after she had broken up with me. i then left that friend later on as i knew she wouldn't be comfortable with me having that friend knowing we had dated. i really am..so insufferable. i feel so pathetic for growing so attached to someone i knew solely through a computer screen. i remember her yelling at me over call when i was breaking down. she lied for months about wanting to visit with me and hang out. i feel so unwanted and discarded. all of this is so self centered of me to focus on, because i caused her even more pain than shes caused me. i have no idea if she's even alive still. i met someone online who lives 3-4 hours away, who wanted to have sex with me, but i don't want to have sex with her at all. i ended up chickening out. i really wish i could lose my virginity to someone i loved and trusted but i don't really think im capable of it. i really did lose my virginity when i was 12, i think. it was with a girl who basically talked shit about me to my old friends the whole time we were together. i didnt have a phone, and i slept over at her house. she got really annoyed at me when i changed my mind on having sex. i ended up giving in and she fingered me, it really hurt, i kept asking her to stop and she finally did and acted all disappointed with me. i wish i could make love with someone, have actual loving sex, but i don't think there's anyone out there id feel safe with. my only worth for anyone else is sexual. i am so inhumanly ugly i don't know if anyone is capable of loving me outside of what i could do for them.i really i do not think it is possible for me to connect with anyone. i am subhuman. i wasted being 15 and 16 rotting in bed because i felt so unwanted by my e-gf, only to be broken up with on my 17th birthday. edating is so pathetic. i dropped out of college because i didnt want to go when i was crying over my girlfriend. when I kill myself i will go down as having been nothing but masturbation fodder. I am so unlikeable that I have always ended up discarded, whether I am a doormat, or assert my boundaries. I have no inherent value. I have multiple deep scars across my body. I am crying because I wish I had someone I loved and trusted enough and who loved me enough to stick with me through all the miserable lonely nights where i cried and cut myself. whenever I was so upset over my girlfriend breaking up with me for the nth time, i remember kneeling in front of the toilet and puking and afterwards crying on the floor and i i felt this angelic warmth surrounding me, there was really an angel talking to me. another time, after my girlfriend had broken up with me, a stray cat had wandered into our house and rubbed her face on my legs and never left since then, i do think she was an angel too, as i was planning on killing myself that night, but of course i couldn't do that then because if not for me my mom wouldn't have let us keep her.she and my dog and our other cat are all i really have. i really am unfuckable now, i already was, but i really wish i could imagine being naked with someone. i hate feeling aroused at all, i hate the sensation, i never want to have sex. i really don't want anyone else to see my naked body. but, i think everyone who would even consider having a serious relationship with me would reject me on the grounds of me already being psychically tainted by whoring myself out online for any sort of acknowledgement i existed. it makes me worth nothing but.it.really meant nothing to me. all of it meant nothing. i cant even stomach it anymore, it always made me feel so sick. i hope that whoever i have actual sex with, who i actually lose my virginity to, will be who i spend the rest of my life with. i hope i get to meet someone who is sweet and kind, and will go out of their way for me, who will show me they care. someone who will communicate with me, who will take care of me, and let me take care of them too. i hope that there is someone out there who will hold me tight and never hurt me. i hope there's someone out there who would consider me their "prize" as much as i consider them mine. i hope there is someone out there who will never consider me a burden to be around. i want to be someone's number one. "it's okay, i love all of you, even your scars. im so happy to have you in my life. i am so happy you didn't kill yourself ". i am sorry future partner for looking repulsive. i take good care of my teeth and work out. i really hate how my body looks even though people are so nice to me over it. i am sorry it's not nicer for you. i hope you know it is all yours. i am sorry for being a whore. i am so so so so sorry. i wanted attention but i saved my virginity for you ever since i learnedhow valuable it was after i was 12. i really never want to have sex unless it's with you. iam sorry for my face and my overbite. i really do not like my smile. i am sorry for crying over everything. i am sorry for being incredibly annoying. i hope everything ive been through has just been molding me into what would be the best fit for you. i really want to believe everything ive been through has had some sort of purpose. i really, do not want to ever be yelled at, and do not want to have to beg for you to stay. i want to trust you and feel safe anr comforted with you. let'scook dinner together Every night. lets hold each other every day after work. go on walks together. can you please kiss my scars and can we please cuddle afterwards. can we please love each other forever. you see us as equals. that is all i want. i do not want you to see me ugly crying, especially now.ny nose is red because ive been using a hand towel instead of a tissue (i cant leave my room). i am so, sorry for being such a loser. i went to college at 16, and am still getting my degree now. please be proud of me. i want to lay in bed with you and study while you stroke my arm or hug me. i really want to die. will you be proud of me when i get into med School? i really think i can do it, especially if you're here with me. i really hope i can be with you someday, i know that being with you will be heaven on earth. and, i do hope if my mental state and my psychosis worsens, and i am forced to check out, i will get to be with you in heaven. i hope that, you were also lonely, but i also don't want you to know how bad that sort of thing feels, not to be melodramatic. i really hope you waited for me like i am waiting right here for you. love you. i have aheadache from crying and it really hurts. i wish we could just meet already and be together.i am too tired to get up to brush my teeth before bed and wash my face. i am sorry. i will take better care of myself tomorrow. i love you. i hope i get to meet you soon. i think it will take me a very long time to truly love you, once we meet.i mean i don't eevn know you yet. sorry. just know i care about you a lot. i usually write this somewhere private but i want to feel like i exist right now. sorry.