Made a mess of things

Having just been diagnosed about four years ago, I am realizing more and more how much my depression has affected my decision-making my entire life. The mania also affected my decision-making, but I only had one manic episode. Unfortunately, it was a year and a half long. Every day, I discover something else I did during my manic episode, or I’m reminded by a photo, text, email or something I find in my home of all the terrible things I did. I’m beginning to realize that I probably divorced my first husband due to depression that I blamed him for. And my second marriage most likely occurred during a hypomanic episode. My current husband is a good man, and he literally saved my life when severe major depression hit after my manic episode, but I dove in to this marriage too quickly. We don’t have enough in common. His kids don’t like me. My kids don’t feel comfortable when they come and his kids are around. Since my divorce, my kids have gravitated more towards their dad. They are grown and have moved away, but when they come “home” they go to his house. I’ve done a lot of damage to my relationships with them. I see the life my first husband has with his new wife and realize it could have been me. He’s got friends (as we both did when we were married) and we have similar lifestyles (come from homes where organization, education, the arts and just a more cultured upbringing are valued. ) I miss the relationship I had with his mom. His new wife spends a great deal more time with my kids and grandson than I do. My life doesn’t reflect anything close to what I thought it would at this point. My current husband doesn’t value the same things I do. His family are uneducated and love sports and trucks. Which is fine if that’s what makes them happy. But it’s not me. I feel like I’m stuck in someone else’s life but I can’t/won’t divorce my husband because I’m not sure what I’d do on my own. I’ve lost friends and can only work part time now. My life has no purpose or direction. I feel like I’m just marking time. I doubt anyone has any solutions for all this. And I’m not really sure what I’m looking for. I guess I’m wondering if anybody found a way to recover from all the bad choices they made while not treated. My home, my job, my relationships with my kids and my friends, hobbies (or lack thereof)…nothing is what I’d like it to be. I don’t know where to start.