feeling lost

i have struggled with my mental health since i was a child. what really set off me developing depressive episodes was when my dad died. i was 12 turning 13 when it happened and ever since then i have had these months long episodes where i feel extremely depressed. i have anxiety that comes and goes pretty frequently. my anxiety can range from, “i don’t want to order for myself” to “i can’t leave the house because what if they’re all staring at me” to even intrusive thoughts of me getting raped if i leave. i’m 18 now and i’m reluctant to mention this just because it’s been very common for people to say my mental health struggles are because of my age and hormones but i have struggled with the exact same issues for years and even had a similar problem in my childhood. i have periods where i’m depressed which can happen once to three times a year and last anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. i can get extremely bad during them. i have tried to commit before or i relapse and start to self harm again. but in between these episodes i feel like i’m on cloud nine sometimes. this is when i think i’m gonna turn my life around and i either extremely productive or self destructive. i usually end up cutting off all my friends, relying on substances, and just generally trying to keep myself busy. but i don’t feel depressed during the periods. i genuinely feel better. sometimes these happier moods blend in with my depressive episodes and i feel all over the place. this isn’t to say i don’t have blank periods. that’s how they feel, like a dissociative state of mind for weeks or even months. but it all blurs together and makes me feel crazy sometimes. i have lost a lot of friends due to me not being able to control my emotions. i also have missed out on a lot of good opportunities in life and irritate so many people around me. i feel like i’ve taken a backseat and my emotions whether i’’ angry, depressed, happy etc. take over and i cant stop it no matter what i do. i do have a therapist before anyone mentions this, and i have been previously diagnosed with depression and anxiety but i was never put on medication. i used to self medicate with weed and other substances which made things 10x worse, but i’m clean now and still feel this way. i’m just lost on what to do and i want to be able to relate to someone, no one ik irl has had a similar experience.