Im planning on killing myself, convince me not to?

So. Yeah. I’ve been struggling really bad with nihilism and shame mostly. My life is good for the most part, Im well off, live in a gated neighborhood with two dogs who I love and sisters who I would trade the world for. Pretty OK parents all considering. So I guess I wanna explain my reasoning.

1. the nihilism. Had a pretty bad extestential crisis a few months back about dying and not existing anymore seem… pretty bad. Its come around to “Ill have to deal with it eventually, might as well try to minimize the amount of time I have to be afraid to die”. Very life-is-pointless woe-is-me attitude I know. Environments going to shit, bad side of the news is all I can focus on (although I know its not all bad, its hard for me to see the good rn) and no one around me seems to care? Hearing AI get brought up in school constantly makes me want to bash my head in right then and there.

2. I guess the shame can be split into two parts. Theres the addiction and responsibility skipping. Ive been masturbating since 6th grade (pandemic era) and Ive never told anyone. Most days I feel filthy and, despite that, its the only thing can make me feel good, even if its just for a couple seconds. Recently Ive also picked up vaping but thats not doing much for me, just been leaving it to sit. For botth of those, though, the going behind everyone I care abouts back makes me feel like shit, but doing it is sometimes the only way I feel good in a particularly bad stretch of time.

I know this second one is pretty common for people with depression, and Im a basic bitch so here it is. Over the summer I was so excited to do all of these new and different things, I joined dual enrollment, a program in my area where highschoolers can take college classes for free. I was ecstatic over all of the choices in classes I would have and the ones I chose were perfect for me. I became a beta reader for a fic that I was super invested in. Semester later, Im medically unenrolling from the dual classes so my mom doesnt have to pay 4-500 dollars over my failings. I completely forget about reviewing a chapter for weeks at a time, leading the author to just post the chapter cause I had said “working on it ASAP!” then never got back to them. My whole life Ive built myself on being “the smart one”. Watching that fall apart around me while my friends who Ive grown up alongside are on their ways to get their AA before they graduate. Talking about my grades with an old friend and getting The Look because she “knows I could do better than this”.

TLDR I wanted to rant about what ive been thinking without burdening people irl who care about me/would want to tell a trusted adult lol.