I want to be normal with my coworkers and family

I’ve known my whole life that i’m different. But recently I keep ruminating on the things that I do that are weird or when I try to say jokes or socialize and it comes out of my mouth so seriously or not the way I intended, stuff that makes people like my coworkers pity me. I know I’m being ableist to myself but I want to laugh and have a lightness that I feel that everyone else has. I don’t want to be different or infantilized and I hate knowing that i’m going to be like this forever. Sometimes this feeling gets so intense that I wish my vocal cords didn’t work so I could stop having to talk and fuck up being a human. A whole trauma dump and rant but I just wanted support and a community right now.