I cheated on my wife.

I (29y) cheated on my wife (28y) in our 2 years of marriage 3 weeks ago. I basically confessed to her about it. Throughout my entire life I have never thought that I would be the one to cheat. As I was brought up and raised right. Had parents that had never been into an affair.

On our first year of marriage, I have been open to my wife that I do watch pornography to help myself out when she is not around to get rid of the sexual tension that I felt when she was working. I work from home so sometimes my sex drive build up and I just had to go. I told her that I had that, and she was devastated. She asks me to promise her to not watch porn ever again and wait and ask from her to relieve the sexual that I had. So I did. For almost 2 years till I cheated.

I had read alot about trying to self control myself and everything. It worked. I was going great and proud that I was able to contain down this sexual desires. My wife had been on contraceptives and for 6 months, sex was great. We both enjoyed it, until she starts to have side effects from the contraceptives. And she was feeling pain everything we did it. We always stopped halfway and it always ended up sour between us. But I always remind her that she can stop taking the contraceptives to help her feel better. So she did.

And we opt to condoms. Thats where my problem was. I didn't find myself the same pleasured sensation that I had. So I couldn't finish whenever we did it. We tried and we kept on trying for a few months. But it never felt the same, and it turns sour all the time. I had a thought in my mind, since we were planning for a kid next year. I told her that maybe that time we can have the time of our life. So I waited, from time to time. We do help each other out not through sex though. But it was tiring. Work started to get busy for her after that. And I thought that I would be selfish to ask her out to relief my tensions. So I kept it to myself. For almost a whole year, I had never watched porn, jerked off for myself and have always been helping her around the house.

Until one day, I had a call to come into the office. I left in the morning and I had to leave late. Before heading back I usually checked on traffic so I could decide to stay for a little while to take my time before leaving a avoid the stress in traffic. So I did, I went to have dinner at nearby restaurant, and after that I had an ice cream in my car and parked next to a gas station. it was late at night, and I was scrolling through social media and relaxing.

Until there was a person who came by and knock on the window. I... reciprocate and open the window. She talked to me and I respond to it. She told me to go into the toilet at the gas station and I open my door and walked with her into the toilet. By the time I was in, I realized that it was already too late, she ask for money and I gave it to her.(wth was wrong with me) the lady was already on her knees and started to do things orally. At that moment I immediately pull up my pants and ran out and went to my car and head straight back home.

I was traumatized that night. My wife was staying elsewhere for the time being since she works far away from home. And I regretted it. I was in a dilemma that night wether I should tell my wife about this, and I was scared how this would affect my marriage. I asked google if I should and it says I should not because it would do more harm (fuck google). So I kept this from her. a few days afterwards, me and my wife had intimacy. It was probably the best sex we had ever had, and we thought it was going to get better from here on about our sex life. Then a week after that, I notice I have a discharge from my penis. At that moment, I just couldn't hold it in anymore, I have brought harm to her. So I told her. She was in shock and devastated. I went to the clinic for a test and yeah, I got chlamydia. So I told her to get treated as well. It has been 3 weeks from this. And we've already been treated.

I am disgusted with myself for what I did and how I stoop so low. To engage with a hooker. I never thought I would actually be involve in such a vile act. But I did. I'm currently going through therapy. And I told her she has every right to leave if she wants to as what I have done to her is too immense. I basically killed her in my thoughts, I killed my marriage. She is currently in a turmoil with herself, because she says that wether she leaves or stays at this point, she loses. Because she loses her bestfriend and person that understands her the most. And she feels very bad to punish me for the one big mistake that I did compared to all the good that I have done for her. It pains me to hear those words coming out from her.

I'm.... not the most courageous nor am I a cowards. But I'm doing my best to do whats right right now. I know I have no say or whatsoever in this matter. I would be selfish if I am the one to decide to leave. So I'm currently waiting for her to make the decision. I truly regret my decision that night. Fuck. For the first time in my life, I wish I had cancer right now. I'm weak and flawed, I fucking hate myself.