Why can't I just start?

I spent most of my day looking at the local clinic's scheduling page online. I don't feel excited, I don't feel hopeful. I just feel scared and anxious. I feel like I'm making a big mistake.

Part of it I think is paranoia, like, right now this is my secret, but as soon as I tell the doctors, it's on a record, I can't go back. Part of it is fear of what will change, I'm a mess, and the changes will surely make many things harder. Part of it is I feel like an imposter, like I have to be faking this and trying to fool myself for some reason.

If I woke up and it was done, the meds were in my drawer and no one but me knew about them, I think I would feel a lot more safe, and a lot less anxious about it all.