Why do I have to be different from other people.

( f17 ) My mind, it kept giving me hard time to talk to everyone, it's always my fault, I keep pushing them away, my own mind keep sabotaging me, always saying they are just gonna leave me once I accidentally said something bothers them. I hate that I keep disappointing them, even my parents are disappointed on me. Instead of focusing on academic, I always make things in a wrong coaster instead.

I'm failing myself. I hate it. Everyone's disappointed, i wasn't like this back then. Now it change, I hate their reactions, their micro expressions, every single time. Now I can't even bring myself to motivate me, I wish life is easy but life is a curse, just an torture for me, I always wish and pray every single night and remind myself that I would suddenly disappear, die or an accident so that I could feel a appreciation, warmth, a care that could make me feel that I am special to someone, at least one.

I could wish I could commit, but I am not able to go outside our OWN house, our HOUSE. even if I could do it in a wooded area, I couldn't, even in my room since the knob was removed, they could see me. And even if I sneak out, I couldn't make myself to do it, I know. I'm weak, but someday I will be brave to do it.

Everytime I go in the mirror. One look, I look good, I could go out looking like this, the second glimpse will look like I am a mess, I can't even recognize myself, I look like I'm a pig, A pig in a make up.

And when I speak? Oh yeah, I always think about how I respond, but when its the time to speak with my voice, it's like my mouth is having a bad time making a vowel, a word, I'm like a baby who's trying to say their first word, even my classmates looking at me, confused. I just wanna stop the time, so I could breath for a second and think about my life.

About my friend, I know it's all my fault, I avoid him, I distant myself. But because I know we're gonna fall apart, I don't wanna stay and partial of me wanted him to stay, because he is kind to me, and the problem about me is my damn mind. I just wanna get modern lobotomy, electric therapy my brain, anything to fix myself.

Then it comes to hypersexuality. It's my fault, it comes to this when I was 6 or 8 I don't remember, but I search it, I was exposed. Now I'm 17, this won't stop. I cannot get this over, I will promise myself I will stop by next week, then this cycle repeats, it's like I'm a clock, after it hits 12am it repeats to 1am. I always need to feel appreciated, I need to do it even if I bled, I wait, then when it's over I open the video then start again, then bled, start again. Even if I'm raw? Fuck it, start again. I hate myself, I just wanna jump from my balcony.

I know this post is just gonna get covered by other post, but please if you see this, give me advice, help me. I just wanna live like a normal person, like them. And I know Im not normal since then