Discussion about when to separate

r/relationships removed this post. Unsure why.Reposting here. I'm genuinely curious.

TLDR: When should you work through the hard times?

I want to drive community discussion on the topic of "what are good reasons to leave your partner" and related "what hardships should you try to work through".

I (35m) notice reddit advice to any hardship is consistently "leave him/her". I often disagree with this. I'm doubting my own cognitive faculties.

Without referencing "through sickness and health", we all know relationships are hard. I'm hard to deal with. I say mean stuff when I get defensive sometimes. I've raised my voice, and regretted it and how it affects my family. I cannot convey how often I do this, but it's not a daily or weekly occurrence.I have many other flaws. I'm surprised my wife hasn't left, sometimes.

I know my wife also says the most hurtful things. She's apologised many times, and I've expressed how deeply those words cut. Words spoken out of anger, that cannot be taken back, and are often a weapon to hurt rather than an honest feeling to express. But sometimes those hurtful things need to be said.Sometimes.

We've never been physical with each other (except for fun). Well, I took an angry hit or two years ago, but that's about the same as mean words in my books. The shock of the person you love feeling soo much hate in the moment. Physical pain was non existent/irrelevant.

After near 20 years together, I've learnt that hard conversations cannot be had just any time. Roughly, it'll take 4 attempts till we are both in the right mindset to listen. But then we do actually have a deep, understanding communication with lasting positive impacts. Sometimes, either of us had a bad day, or are exhausted, or the kids need parenting. Oh, and we don't have deep conversations for 30 minutes after we wake up. 100% disaster every time. Another heuristic is, we don't argue about my manipulative mum. She's pushy as shit, and makes my wife feel inadequate. My default policy is, ignore MIL and her crazy shit. We are both happier with this outcome.

Tangentally, for close to a decade, before kids, we'd have huge all nighters just talking about the hard stuff. The time requirements of being a parent have reduced our long-talk time significantly, which leads to misunderstandings and unspoken, unresolved issues. Working through it.

Back to my point.

What are examples of unhappy things that a couple should work through (assuming there's actual love, history, understanding and an imagined future together)?

What are some non-violent hardships that couples should probably separate over?