feeling hopeless about cleaning (gross maybe? sorry also long af)

ive always had trouble cleaning my entire life, but i was always able to find a motivator. like someone coming over, or living with roommates, or thc even. i ran out of thc for the first time in multiple years about a month ago, and i had no way to get it at all. i live completely alone now, and since its finals season i had no obligation to actually leave my house except for a couple of exams. no one's coming over. i had no reason to actually clean my house.

but now literally every single dish i own is dirty, i have water bottles lining the floor of my bedroom and couch area, i havent even thrown away the fast food containers. my bathroom is the only place thats relatively clean cus i just felt embarrassed at the idea of not throwing away the trash consistently. i have zero clean laundry. my house is a mess and unliveable. i almsot want to throw away every single dish and start from scratch but thats obviously not viable. i wasnt even able to study for one of my finals because i was so overwhelmed, i failed a class... :/

ive also barely been eating, ive had crazy insomnia (i also have depression so im sure that the adhd and depression have been feeding off of each other) so i keep waking up and going to sleep at insane times, which just makes me feel worse. ive been barely eating because 1. i have no dishes and 2. i feel so incredibly unmotivated to so much as make myself pasta. and at night i binge eat like crazy, and the cycle continues. i have no access to medication currently. i recently got some thc a couple of days ago, so thankfully i have something, but just looking at the state of my place is enough to overwhelm me, sober or not.

i just feel very overwhelmed and guilty. a lot of people find it pretty gross when your house is a mess, but honestly i stopped feeling like its a moral failing years ago. i already have a lot on my plate, i dont need to make myself feel even worse. i dont really talk about it with other people because they just dont get it. i literally just woke up ten minutes ago, its 4 fucking pm and i did nothing all day. i actually was supposed to drive 45 miles to my campus and do a grade check with my professor over the exam i failed (not an appointment, just like an open opportunity for any student who wants to maybe get a couple extra points if they can explain their thought process). but when i woke up at noon i felt so disgusting and tired i didnt even bother. so now i have that too. idk. im overwhelmed and tired and i am also pretty alone, even with friends, everyone is busy/lacks empathy.

it just feels like pushing a huge 5053023 tonne boulder over a steep moutain... i cant do it lol. im leaving for winter break soon, ill be back in january, i know ill be able to lock in and clean on my last day here but i wish i could just clean now and rest the last few days. idk what hormone or lack thereof it is that makes me have an impossible time cleaning, i guess its lack of dopamine, but when i finally clean and i have zero days of rest its honestly such an awful feeling. i just want to rest without feeling overwhelmed constantly.

tldr my house is dirty and i have no motivation to clean and i feel like a little sewer rat and very depressed and overwhelmed