Lost everything

Hello ! I’m new here , trying to get some support and get out of this loop. As far as I know I’ve always had grandiose traits. Always seeking attention, al my relationships have ended because I’m a cheater and a liar and always end up in the worst way. I divorced in 2020 I have two kids 11 and 13.

I had a new relationship going on and was going to get married in 2024 but my narcissistic traits grew to a point where it all ended because I got caught cheating. So the wedding got cancelled. My ex wife started to have contact with me and I just kept contact with her to be close with the kids but one night we ended having sex again. She didn’t had a relationship for the 4 years we were apart . I didn’t want nothing serious with her just wanted to be able to be close to my kids and have ocasional sex with her, while I went out with other women.

She started going out with someone and that’s when I got out of control , I couldn’t stand the idea of her having someone else. I created a fake Facebook account and seduced the guy she was dating and showed the evidence to her , so I ended that and got back together , this time as a couple. I basically slept at her house everyday and had sex everyday for the first 3-4 weeks. Then I started to feel trapped and wanted to be alone , at the same time I had started a YouTube channel where I mocked this other guy who layer guitar , I just made fun of him , belliteled, and insulted him. I started to spend tons of money in guitars. And got to a point I felt powerful in control of everything , i lived in my own world not caring for anyone just more guitars. So one day my ex wife started to complaint about my instagram contacts. When we got back together I told her we would be back but she couldn’t have any male friends, so she complained about my female friends. We broke up but got together 2 weeks later. She went through my phone so I wanted to take a look at her phone but she always had it with her.

I was taking clonazepam at the time and i figured I would give her some so I could check her phone . So I put a couple of pills in her drink , which was a lot for someone who’s not tolerant to benzos. I could take 4-5 in one take . The thing is she still had the effects the next day and she went with her parents and she was still drowsy. Two days later she went to have a toxicology test and came out positive for benzos. In the past I had told her that I wanted to commit Suicide , that I’d had enough of this life and I would have an alcohol and benzo OD. So she said I wanted to kill her , and that I would never see the kids again since I was a threat. She told my kids what I did but she said I wanted to kill her which is not true. I kept talking to them by phone during the first month until one day my boy sent a voice message telling me he did not want to see me ever again , he did not wanted to have a relationship with me and that I was a bad person . I was devastated, my daughter just wouldn’t answer phone calls or messages . It al went down from there and on top of it a couple of days later she had picture on her WhatsApps with a guy she knew form high school . I stalked them for a couple of weeks and now they are a couple and keep putting pictures together.

I sent a message last Sunday to my kid and he sent another voice message telling me “ i told you i dont want to speak with you ever again ,i know what you did” So I lost control of everything I thought I had control of. I have nothing left and felt Iike taking my life, I just can’t stand being alive . But I think I can’t leave this world leaving my kids behind , even if I don’t see them again I have to support them in some way . At least financially. I’m scared they will replace me with this new guy who got in te picture. I fucked up my life