About 2 or 3 months ago, the constant nightmares, the constant breakdowns, the crashing out. All reached a peak.

I had gotten a weeks holiday from work, my plan was to use this week to drive 9 hours into country victoria. I wanted to go back to Allatalie Point. It’s the last place on earth where I genuinely remember being happy. I had my best friend by my side.

Now, because of what happened between us.

I don’t.

Life had other plans, I had a night terror. I messaged Sundance and asked him if My friend was okay, I had thought she had committed suicide.

I then woke up and realised what happened.

I immediately went, grabbed a knife and headed out to my back shed, and tried to commit suicide. I had enough. I had enough of the trauma. I am not the victim, I am just incredibly remorseful that I hurt my best friend so badly that I can’t talk to her again. I don’t want to be on this world anymore.

I want nothing but the quick release of death.

I was changing, I was doing really well. I had accomplished a lot. I was showing my working out online, trying to prove I was taking everything incredibly seriously. I wanted to return to my good friend R. I wanted to return to the nuclear war server. I had dropped the drama as of 3 or 4 weeks ago and I was beginning to make new friends.

It wasn’t until Zealt was spying on me, reporting back to them about me talking to their friend Magma, Merlo joined the server under another name to interact with me. That’s where this catalyst peaked again. Now the police have been called because they believe Magma told me about their server and that i had used her to peak inside it.

Now, I’m back at the beginning. Again.

I’m trying to find a place to kill myself. I don’t want my family hurt. I don’t want my friends hurt.

I love them all. My son, I love you. Grand, Pie, Scuttle, Strike, Talos, Stahl, Gallant. I love you all too. They stuck with me. They helped me survive. They helped me move on and become a better person even if it was for a few short weeks.

I got to live life as a female. I was finally happy. I was happy.

Grand

Thank you for everything you did for me, thank you for always being the levelheaded one.

Pie

Thank you for your critical thinking and telling me when I’m doing something wrong.

Scuttle

Thank you for posting those emojis everyday, you made me very happy, thank you for talking to me.

Strike

I’m glad I had the chance to apologise to you. I hope that your life continues to go well.

Talos, Stahl, Gallant.

Thank you, my 3 friends. I will always appreciate you for sticking with me. I will never forget it. Good luck with everything, the 3 of you have a lot to accomplish in life. I hope you succeed.

To my son.

I’m sorry this had to happen. You’re only young right now, so it won’t hit you hard. You’re pretty used to me not being around anyway. I hope you’re looked after in life. Don’t become a truck driver. The money may be good, but it’s a dead end career once you get your road train license. I love you so much.

Anyway.

That’s all I have.

Death before Dishonour. — Natalie.