What do you do with a 2 1/2 foot tall Froot Loop thief?

So last night I’m trying to wind down, debating if I actually want dinner or if I’m just emotionally snacking like a coward, when I hear something in the attic that sounds exactly like a toddler dragging a chair across the floor. I pretend I don’t hear it because I’m a grown man and my coping strategy is basically “ignore it till it becomes a real problem.”

A few minutes later, my pantry door opens.
Not creaks.
Opens.
Like someone politely letting themselves in.

I walk in and come face to face with a raccoon built like a retired MMA fighter who still corners guys on the weekend. This dude is standing upright holding my Froot Loops like he’s on break. He looks at me the same way men look at eachother in a gas station parking lot at 1am. No fear. Just pure, concentrated disrespect.

I take one step toward him. He raises a paw like he’s telling me, “nope.” Then he reaches into the box, grabs a handful, eats it while maintaining eye contact, and drops one single Froot Loop on the floor like he’s signing a contract I didn’t agree to.

Then he turns around, waddles halfway up the attic stairs with MY cereal tucked under his arm like a lunchbox, looks back over his shoulder, and hits me with a lowercase hiss. Not even a real hiss. Just “tss.” Like he couldn’t be bothered to give me the full volume.

he didn’t run. he didn’t panic. he walked away like I had interrupted HIS evening.

And now I’m standing there questioning everything. Am I the head of this house, or am I the raccoon’s confused roommate who accidentally bought him breakfast?

ladies and gentlemen… what is the actual move here? do I fight him? do I negotiate? do I file paperwork and become his tenant?

current status: he is back in the attic right now, chewing my cereal like a union worker on break, and I’m sitting in the kitchen pretending I still have authority in my own home.