M31 & M37 - Bad Love. Your thoughts?

I connected with someone online early almost two years ago… I thought he was handsome. Cute. All the things. I was visiting from o/s which is how we connected and didn’t get the chance to meet, but was meant to be back for work another 3 times last year after connecting which he knew about.

After chatting for quite some time. I felt like there was some trust there and give him my cell number. We then texted. I didn’t have to go back last year after my first trip for work. Yet, in a strange way we still stayed connected.

Fast forward to about half way through this year. I returned for work. And by that stage our connection was sweet, cute and sexy here and there. But seemed cool.

We met and went on a date. And we didn’t sleep together. Then quite quickly I found myself in a relationship and living together until I came home.

I was pretty vulnerable and yeah, had a lot of trauma and death in my life but was open and honest about that cause it seemed like he did too. So I just wanted to be open, honest, always have compassion and patience.

We quickly had a first vacation. I was also very vulnerable after a loss in my family. I thought the vacation went well, sort of. Soon after. I found myself in a committed relationship. And when I commit it’s almost like a vow. I’m a bit old school you could say. Not the type to date a lot or date multiple people at the same time.

Our first fight was bizarre. He randomly snapped at me quite harshly. Said he didn’t like something but yet he was always doing it so I didn’t know how to handle it. We talked through it. I was very honest about dating with purpose and I don’t do summer romances, flings, etc. if I’m in it. I’m in it for the long haul. I don’t talk the talk and not walk the walk.

In short. I felt like I knew him. From over a year of getting to know him. Then dated him. Soon after falling for him and committing to him and being in a relationship.

He had some traumas. Also a couple of stressful things going on. So I just continued being patient. He’d snap and get mad over the smallest of things. I would be shocked by it. Everything would be chill then snap. I didn’t know what to say and was lost for words. Then he began to get angry at me for not saying anything. I had nothing to say. I couldn’t process what happened or why there was such a nasty reaction.

The last week before I had to return back home. It was hard. I was constantly reminded of the little time left. But at one point randomly told how he looked forward to me leaving so he could go to bed earlier and things like that.

There were 3 things I didn’t like in the relationship that I wanted to bring up and work out why he did those things and how we could work on it and if it was him feeling insecure how I could make him feel more secure.

I got snapped at and yelled at over a lot of things I did out of kindness. It was hard to hear and random out of the blue so I had no idea what to say.

Day before I was leaving after a fight I left for a few hours. Then returned. It was the first time we didn’t talk about it. That morning an incident happened. It wasn’t ok. Some X stuff and during that. There were a few things I should have been asked if it was ok to do that or asked for consent or permission. Two had health impacts. He filmed me without me knowing. But when I did I just somehow lost myself and didn’t speak up. Then he tried to go me without a condom which I wasn’t ok with. He had one. Took it off. Then grabbed another from the packet and I looked away. But when he tried I felt it and there wasn’t one on... He was positive and unmedicated at the time. Had been for a bit. I wasn’t ok with that. That’s why I grabbed condoms before anything started.

He knew I liked a more dominant top in bed. But where is the line between a little dominant in a sexy way - to me it is a bold line and very different from degrading.

He also pushed my head down as he was behind me and said “shut the F up” at one point.

He asked if he could “P&); on me” (golden shower) I’m not into that so said no. He didn’t try.

He then asked if it was ok to put some pn on to finish off. I said ok. Partly wondering what kind of porn it was and if it was extreme things or anything too much. It wasn’t. Just fairly usual stuff. Then we were done.

That whole week I was pretty distraught by thinking constantly about leaving and saying goodbye for a short period. But I was going to be back shortly. I was pretty emotional and torn up. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to say goodbye. It was hard.

During the time I was living with him. He would consistently snap at me for things I’d do innocently. Or he’d go into a long conversation about something I did he didn’t like which would be almost an hour conversation. I felt like I was walking on egg shells and just trying to keep the piece. At times we would talk thinks through. But I was adamant on working things through and growing together and supporting each other.

I wanted to have a chat about the 3 things I didn’t like. And how we could work through that. We didn’t get a chance.

I left. And then when I got home suddenly a family member was ki56)ed in an accident. I told him and when I called him for support he was emotional and I supported him when I called him for support. My head was spinning.

Next day we were texting. I wasn’t really doing good. But I said I didn’t want to be all sad. And he said “good. I don’t want to hear negativity. It’s the end of my day. Just want to be future focused.”

My family member was just gone. It hurt what he said. And I had a bit of resentment for the dismissive way he didn’t care.

He asked me when I was coming back and when I said I didn’t know. He sounded so sad. So then I booked another trip just for a couple of weeks to come back.

We were fighting and I wasn’t living with him at that stage so I was standing up and fighting back. He went low. I met him there. Then he went lower and I couldn’t.

I never went back. The day I would have been arriving we talked like normal. When I said it was sad I wouldn’t be there with him. He said “some people bring it on themselves” - because I was hurt he ignored me. Yet was active and talking to others.

I was riddled with grief and trauma over a few things. Then he started accusing me of things like being too much or controlling or manipulative.

Blocked me randomly online.

I began getting very sick. The tirades of mean things and names he would call me. Bringing up all the thing that hurt me and things I told him about my past to hurt me. They were happening at least every second day.

I tried to communicate things. But it was always seen as me attacking him. I was trying to talk and say what had hurt me. Not argue or fight.

After it becoming so bad. I told him I was going to hospital and would reach out later. After a few days of me trying to collect myself. I reached out. But he had vanished. We never spoke again.

I then had to reconstruct the relationship. And the rose colored glasses came off. There were over a hundred things in the few months of being together that I was snapped at or yelled at or belittled and degraded.

I tried everything. But yet nothing was received. I was just called more degrading things.

He borrowed a bunch of money off me. Told me he would pay it all back a bunch of times. But never did.

I’ve been stressed about the video he made since I lost trust in him from a lie he created from a situation that was very innocent and went out of my way to support him. The whole story was created into this lie of me saying I offered. When he actually asked me if I’d be there. Speak and support him. I started to question everything.

Only to realize I was probably targeted. I’d paid for everything the whole time we were together. He asked me for a loan and never paid it back. Then just disappeared and wouldn’t speak again.

I was just abandoned like trash.

I tried every way possible. But now got to the end of exhausting all options of mediating or finalizing everything to leave and let go.

I’ve been scared to death of him using this video against me again in the future. The impact it will have on my work. All of it.

Now it seems the only way forward is as a police matter.

I’m torn by it.

If he’s charged. It could ruin his life. I don’t want that. But I have had to learn through a bunch of pros that I could be dealing with someone very sick and manipulative and opportunistic.

I feel guilty… and ashamed. I’m sorry to myself for letting it happen or wanting to build a life when he said we were family…

I feel guilty if I have to get to the police to stop a sex tape from being released? When all I want is it destroyed and to feel safe again and that I won’t be used or extorted now or in the future… It’s ruined me. I know he did really wrong things. But I still feel shame and guilt.

I thought from being friends first even if it was virtual I got to know him. Never thought he would disappear. Yet now I have to question every bit. Did I ever know this person at all or was I just a victim to a good scam and con. Considering I paid for everything. I just did things to keep the peace. And I also foolishly did love him and trusted him. But now I don’t think I ever knew him.

TL;DR