[Recap] Royale Episode 14: Victorian Penal Torture
The episode begins with another Griffin poem. I'm not paying attention to these. The episode description says there's a "towering staircase" and the poem says something about steps. We all know how deadly stairs can be. RIP Zoox. But the description also seems to indicate only four people will die this trial? If the excellent work done by Gobshite_ on the other sub is correct, there's currently 36 aspirants alive. We can't slow down the pace now!
I cannot emphasize enough how quickly their conversation turns to once again joking about video game mechanics.
Griffin says they're waking up, so I guess Rictus's "prank" was indeed his Wizardly Interlude activity. Maybe Rictus spent their whole day off vaping, who knows. They all find a copper card outside their lodgings, apparently telling them they're in Group One and to come to the Gilded Lily at a certain time. They show up and Griffin starts listing wizards again. We finally get mention of the Blue Ranger again! Their name is Rhyme and apparently their spell is ice-based rather than water-based.
The Octave member running this trial is a golden scarab thri-kreen man named Set. (Is this Sept as in seven in French? Is this a reference to the Ancient Egyptian god, despite him not being associated with scarabs?) (They are still saying thri-keen.) As Set flies over to them, Clint doesn't seem to understand Griffin is describing a person because Helgrammit starts calling dibs.
The Trial of Transmutation, like the previous trial, is being run in smaller groups (of 12, so I guess 4 dying isn't too bad), but unlike the previous trial there are no teams. I can't believe Griffin has reduced me to begging for a DnD group to be a party. Apparently today we're testing flexibility, adaptability, and cleverness because transmutation magic has those traits and other schools of magic don't. Pressing X to doubt.
Griffin says there's a foggy wall surrounding the Fold? The Fold is the world. Huh? Maybe he got confused and meant the floating island? I have no idea if this fog has been mentioned before.
The Gilded Lily sinks into the lake. There's bioluminescent fish in the lake. Griffin loves that word. The golden tower that Lorevith spotted last episode rises up, and Griffin's description is confusing and too wordy so I really can't figure out what's going on. I thought the Gilded Lily was essentially going away to not be a part of this trial, with the tower moving to occupy that space, but then Griffin said the doors of the Gilded Lily open and it's docked with the tower.
They walk into the tower. Justin interrupts to make fun of the battle map and I literally slump in annoyance. Stop describing things I can't see! I don't care what it looks like! Sounds like one of the aspirants known as The Spider, the Spiderman one, is here and Griffin's already placed all the wizards on the map. The tower has a spiral staircase that is three stories tall, with the tower extending higher. There's kelp on the floor and porthole windows looking out into the lake with fish swimming past. Wait so the tower is still underwater? How did they get in then? How is the ground floor below the surface when Griffin didn't say anything about them descending to get into the tower?
Set says "I will not overburden you with explanations." We aren't even 11 minutes in yet. It's rule time yet again. No armed attacks, and they cannot directly target people with spells. So PvP is allowed but in an extremely narrow way. I'm sure none of the players are going to get tripped up by that. They can also only use each spell they have once. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO REINVENT SPELL SLOTS? THEY ALREADY HAVE TOO FEW SPELLS GRIFFIN. WHAT'S TRANSMUTATION ABOUT THIS?
Their goal is to go up the staircase. Their "reward tier" is determined by how high up they get. Everyone who survives will get to "gaze upon the blighted world beyond the Fold, a privilege afforded solely to the Octave alone."
Oh. So the Fold is not the world, despite Griffin saying that before. He probably didn't mention the fog before because it wasn't time for the reveal. What I'm getting from this is it's a post-apocalyptic world and the Octave has control over a portion of it, which is either the only safe area, or (as the trope goes) what they want people to believe is the only safe area. I like that trope just fine, but when I've encountered it before, it's like the defining aspect of the world and a focal point of the story, so it feels very odd to me to bring it up now, 14 episodes and 6 months in. And like the history lessons in the eggs, what's the in-universe point of sharing this with the aspirants? Either they're going to die, or they're going to win and get access to this knowledge anyway.
Set gives them time to discuss the rules with each other? Why? They haven't gotten that before, even on the team challenge last trial. Rictus raises his hand. Strangely, Set says he doesn't know the aspirants' names, even though Oshim and Trace did. (Also, although it's not clear how people were chosen to get invitations, there is evidence suggesting it wasn't random and people were hand-picked.)
Rictus asks if Set did this type of challenge when he did the Conclave, to which Set says he's "not sure how much I'm allowed to divulge" because he's a newer member. I don't think it's been mentioned before that there's a hierarchy amongst the Octave? Justin is also intrigued by this and asks if Set is looking around nervously while he says it. On a 15 Insight check, Griffin says no one seems to be supervising Set and he just doesn't want to answer the question.
Rictus raises his hand again and Set ignores him, so Rictus just blurts out his follow-up question. Again, are you polite or rude, Travtus?
Rictus: But you did go through a series of trials like we're doing to become a member?
Set: Yes, that is how one is -
Rictus: Not just one.
Set: Yes.
Lorevith: I have a question.
Set: How about this? Everyone gets one question.
Listen, I understand that everyone's brain works differently, and that's beautiful. But I don't get how the players are repeatedly asking questions about stuff that I feel has been well-established by Griffin and is also unimportant. Who cares whether Set did multiple trials? Whether he did or didn't, what insight does that give you? If you're just curious about whether the Conclave has always been run the same, I feel like Griffin's already made it clear that the aspirants wouldn't know, because the Conclaves are rarely held, and the only survivor joins the Octave who don't interact with the masses. Meanwhile, the boys aren't asking questions about stuff like this reveal of a post-apocalyptic world and the magic objects in the shop being confiscated from people (how does object enchantment work in a world where everyone has one spell unique to them in all of time?).
Lorevith asks about the rules for the wizards who can fly. We learn there is an aspirant here named Hippocrates, which they are pronouncing like English "Hippo crates" instead of the Greek philosopher's name. I would give points to Griffin for restraint in not making this guy a giff, but apparently Hippocrates is wearing a plague doctor mask and so looks like a bird but isn't. Set says something cryptic in response that I think is just encouraging people to come up with ways to stop the flying wizards from flying.
Lorevith: (whispering to Rictus) I think he wants us to - (laughs) I think he's saying smash 'em in the head with a hammer.
Rictus: Got it.
Set: Nope! No armed attacks against one another -
Justin: That was not to you Griffin! If I specifically -
Griffin: Oh. You're right, you're right.
Justin: - say I'm not speaking to you, I beg of you.
Helgrammit: He said something about not attacking each other.
I lose track of the in-character conversation because I can't understand Lorevith's and Helgrammit's current accents.
Helgrammit: I would like to take this moment to remind you of the blood oath you swore to me in episode 7 to always have my back and always protect me. You remember that? I'm sure you do.
Justin: (flatly) It's not fair for Dad to use the fact that I don't remember things very well -
(cross-talk)
Travis: Yeah and as far as we know, he's making it up.
(cross-talk)
Justin: This feels targeted.
(cross-talk)
Justin: Yeah, hey Dad, how's this gonna feel like? (elderly voice) Remember, you signed this will Dad, you promised me everything! (regular voice) You know? That's not gonna be very fun.
Huh, okay! Rictus asks Helgrammit to use his one question to ask something Rictus wants to ask. Listen I'm very bored by all this despite the length of what I've written (we're 17 minutes in) but Travis is actually showing interest in the worldbuilding, and Griffin's long-winded preambles to the trials have consistently left the players confused about how the trials work, so maybe Griffin should be allowing Travtus to ask as many questions as he wants? A competent editor could edit that out later if necessary.
Helgrammit pretends to agree but then asks his own question. I don't understand it exactly, I think he's trying to ask Griffin if they can retcon that Helgrammit can fly, but framing it as asking Set to give him an advantage since they're both thri-kreen? Unsurprisingly Griffin does not go for this. Justin interjects with information about bug anatomy. Why are you on ChatGPT right now?
Travis tries to get another question in anyway, with fucked logic, but Griffin allows it "depend[ing] on the question." What are we doing here. Rictus says "It's kind of embarrassing that we're on what, like the fourth trial now, and I didn't think to ask this before, but... what happens if we, like, abstain?" Clint interrupts with a joke about abstinence, and says Rictus has a purity ring. Rictus says the ring is actually a wedding ring. Hmm.
Rictus wants to know if he'll get to go home if he doesn't want to play anymore, or if he'll be killed, or if he can just skip this trial. What?! Set/Griffin is amazed that the terms have not been clear. Rictus/Travis finds this threatening and backtracks, saying he's just curious about a hypothetical. Set says they already agreed to the terms of the Conclave in the first trial, but he doesn't actually answer Rictus's question, just saying there's one winner and the winner has never been a pacifist.
Rictus: So, just to simplify: kill or be killed.
Set: I thought that would be obvious at this point.
If Royale was a tv show, this would be in the trailer. It would also be said in the third episode at the latest, not the fourteenth.
Set flies to the top of the tower and sits up there to watch the trial, but the trial still doesn't start. We're nearly 23 minutes in.
There's a second ninja wizard? Oh, it's Rhyme, the Power Ranger, who wants to talk to Helgrammit for some reason. They want to make a deal because they want revenge on Lorevith for killing their teammates Ignacio and Tremora. On one hand, I am stunned that Griffin is actually making this a plot point; I totally thought it would never come up again. On the other hand, Griffin is forgetting that HELGRAMMIT KILLED ZEPHYR. I guess Rhyme wouldn't necessarily know that since they weren't there, but c'mon man.
Helgrammit asks "What kind of revenge are you talking about?" Bruh. Rhyme leaves without Helgrammit agreeing or disagreeing to the deal.
Rictus wants to chat with Scorpo. Can we please start the goddamn trial? Annoying music starts up as Scorpo asks if Rictus has recovered from the curse. Hey remember when Scorpo was all "Scorpo will remember that" after seeing Rictus kill plants? That was yesterday. Scorpo says he's drawn to the fog wall and death is different somehow "out there." Wait, does he mean near the wall or past it? I'm really not clear on this new worldbuilding but Griffin sure is going hard on it all of a sudden. Rictus asks Scorpo who his target is. Scorpo says he may not do anything about it this trial, but he is focused on ensuring Helgrammit doesn't win. Scorpo seems to want to defend the world from Helgrammit's evil ambitions. Rictus says he's going to target "Randolf, because he's an old man." Stop reading names off the battle maps and acting like these characters have been introduced. Please.
Randolf suddenly appears next to Lorevith and introduces himself and his "halfling ward, Doober Sweetleaf." Justin is giggling up a storm. Oh. It's Lord of the Rings. Doober's spell is Fog Cloud. This is not worth the spoons I am expending on this. Randolf asks Lorevith to help them out in favor for help in future trials. What was the point of making this a solo effort if Griffin was just going to have multiple aspirants ask PCs to work with them? Lorevith is enamored with Doober and promises to protect him. Griffin called Doober a Labubu. Travis chimes in with "Labu-boy." Booooo.
The trial is finally about to start, but first Griffin cannot resist mentioning two more wizards. We have a robot with an alarm clock for a head named Klaxon. Why doesn't he have Alarm as his spell? There's also a giant teddy bear named Snugjaw. Gross.
Ad break time. Not even halfway through this episode.
There's an ad for Candlenights, in which Travis is aware the event is this week. I'm not sure anyone would make last minute plans to fly to Huntington in two days. The virtual tickets are for an airing nearly two weeks later, which is odd.
It's time to roll initiative, but Clint wants to do something first. Travis jokes it's for a prayer, so Clint obliges and has Helgrammit pray. He says he uses this as cover to cast Alarm on Lorevith's back. I feel like casting a spell before initiative is cheating, especially with Griffin's stupid homebrewed spell slots, but Griffin allows it.
Griffin positions people with higher initiative further up the steps. Okay. The staircase starts to move, spiraling down into the floor with new steps appearing at the top. The ground floor starts to flood and the kelp transmutes into eels upon getting wet. There is music backing this ,and as usual, it makes it harder for me to understand Griffin. There's alcoves set along the tower walls, so if they can get into one of those they won't be moved down with the staircase, which is very video game.
Rictus casts Mage Armor. (Griffin asks if that's his action or his bonus action.) Rictus then ducks into an alcove. Griffin says actually the alcove isn't big enough to stand in. Well nevermind then. The alcove has some sort of rune in it "resembling an exclamation mark." Is this rune a carving? A button? An item Rictus could pick up? We don't know. Rictus gets an 8 on an Arcana check, and is told the rune is "a receptacle for kind of magical energy" and it would take an action to interact with it.
Rictus pretends the rune cursed him by saying loudly "Oh no! A curse!" and then continues up the staircase. He has gone up 6 steps this turn. Griffin previously said the whole staircase was 30 steps. How big are these steps?
Scorpo interacts with another rune. It seems to drain him, and bramble-covered vines appear and cover two of the steps, making them difficult terrain. Maybe this has something to do with the spell slot nonsense?
On Lorevith's turn, Griffin confirms each step is 5 ft of movement. He gets up to one of the vine-covered steps. Already we're needing clarification on the PvP rules. Shoving and AoE spells are allowed. Lorevith decides to yeet Snugjaw off the steps. Snugjaw rolls a 1, so he lands in the water and is attacked by the eels for 24 points of damage. Yeesh. One down, three to go.
Lorevith jokes "In a sense, you could blame society." No.
Helgrammit's turn finally. Clint immediately manages to get Snugjaw's name wrong. It's written right in front of you and Griffin just said it like 5 times. Helgrammit dashes up to the vine-covered steps, and in what feels like a very Merle move, exclaims the vines feel good.
Clint: You know, like you do when you scratch your back against the corner of a wall, and your wife yells at ya? Yeah.
Griffin: (dumbfounded) What?
Travis: Yeah, like a big bear. (mock scolding) Poor timing, Dad. The bear just died.
Clint: Too soon? Is it too soon?
Griffin: Yes. I would say so.
The vines do no damage to Helgrammit despite the brambles. It's the end of the initiative order so now the staircase rotates. Everyone moves 3 steps down, but the vines stay on the same steps. I'm having to think about this too much. I think that means Lorevith and Helgrammit are now below the vines instead of on them, and Rictus is now on the vines instead of several steps above them? The water also rises up to cover step 1, which seems odd since the staircase moved 3 steps.
Travis wants to attack a step with Chromatic Orb to break it off from the wall, but then realizes that a step isn't a creature. Griffin allows it anyway, which is at least consistent with his previous rulings this season. He says the stair will have a damage threshold. Travis changes his mind and now wants to cast "Fear." He reveals he took the feat Shadow Touched to reflect the curse he had, giving him two new spells that he can cast without spell slots. Clever. But Griffin says Cause Fear would break the PvP rules. So Rictus just Dashes. What an exciting transmutation-based trial for wizards! It's totally flexible, adaptable, and clever for your best options to be running and (potentially) interacting with the runes!
Travis changes his mind again and decides, after using his normal movement, to Shove the alarm clock head guy. THEN HE CHANGES HIS MIND AGAIN and wants to grab onto not-Tony Hawk's Tenser's Floating Disk, which remember he is using as a hoverboard against RAW.
Justin says "If you say Tenser's Floating Disk one more time, you're gonna have second virginity [unintelligible]." He desperately wants to be a jock in an 80s movie.
Travis rolls a 7 on a Strength check. He's now holding onto the Tenser's Floating Disk and will get extra movement from it.
In case it wasn't clear, I'm doing my best to skip over most of the NPC turns. Klaxon gets onto step 13, which turns to sand, sending him tumbling down. The step re-forms. Confusingly Griffin says he falls 10 feet but ends up more than 2 steps lower than he was, I guess maybe due to the spiral shape of the staircase?
Griffin is now consistently using they/them for Rhyme, so I guess we have our first confirmed nonbinary wizard. They interact with the exclamation point rune, but the PCs don't see anything change.
Not-Tony Hawk seems okay with Rictus hanging onto his board, but Rictus's weight is somehow slowing it down? Tenser's Floating Disk holds 500 lbs and there's only two creatures of size Medium on it. The spell is supposed to end if the weight surpasses 500 lbs. Tony Tommy moves up several steps and then asks Rictus to get off. Rictus says sure since he asked nicely. All of these characters are so boring.
DOOBER SWEETLEAF CASTS BURNING HANDS?! Lorevith has Burning Hands, he got it in trial 2! Griffin already said Doober used Fog Cloud before the trial started! This is the first time we've seen an NPC aspirant have more than one spell and Griffin does it by destroying his worldbuilding about everyone having unique spells and game rules? How'd he get Burning Hands?!
The Spiderman casts Spider Climb. Called it.
Lorevith gets past Rhyme, who does not use an opportunity attack, almost as if they know about the Alarm. On a nat 20 Dexterity check, Lorevith is not tripped up by step 10 also turning into quicksand. He quickly grabs onto step 11. Turns out Rhyme did this, seemingly with the rune.
Justin wants to cast Color Spray, but upon learning he can only hit two people with it, decides to use Burning Hands again to hit only Rhyme. I love how we're killing most of the women and nonbinary characters in the same episode they first appear. Justin has to ask for clarification on the spell slot nonsense. I find Griffin's answer unclear, so I don't know if they're having to track spell slots on top of only being able to use each spell once.
Griffin says Doober's Burning Hands "looked quite similar to the Burning Hands you just cast. Obviously there was like, a different kind of like visual effect to it, it wasn't like explicitly the same exact, uh, thing." I slammed my hand down on my table in frustration and hurt it. WHAT IS THE POINT OF SAYING EVERYONE ONLY GETS ONE SPELL UNIQUE TO THEM IN ALL OF TIME IF TWO PEOPLE CAN HAVE BURNING HANDS AND IT'S SOMEHOW NOT THE SAME SPELL? Is he pulling bullshit about how the spells they get during the Conclave work, or could the PCs have had multiple spells and the same spells the whole time? "Oh no this is a different spell because it belongs to me so it's flavored slightly different" Fuck offffffff.
Clint asks about the dimensions of each stair. Griffin says they're about 4 feet across with 1 foot or 6 inches of height. Helgrammit gets up to step 11 next to Lorevith and Scorpo. Guess Lorevith pulled himself onto the step no problem thanks to that nat 20. Clint casts Obscure Object on a step, which is not how his feat works.
The staircase moves again. Everyone goes down 3 steps again. The water moves up one step again. Griffin says this floods step 2, but that Klaxon, prone on step 3, ends up in the water. The eels attack, but after 17 points of damage, Klaxon manages to get back up onto step 3.
Cue the theme song.
I always try to give some concluding words here and summarize my episode thoughts, but I am always left at a loss. To be fair to the brothers, this does take me quite a few hours to write. It would probably be easier for me to get a read on things if this was faster for me. However I also think I'm focusing more on the episode, understanding it and remembering it better, than if I was solely listening.
I guess similar to episode 6, where I started recapping, there's a lot to say here, including worldbuilding and cataloguing new wizards, and yet I feel nothing for it. It's just all mush in my brain. Griffin's trials are both over-complicated and dull as rocks. I'm sure some DMs could make racing up an everlasting staircase a genuinely fun time and an interesting challenge, but I'm not excited by this at all. And in the entire episode they only got through two rounds of initiative.
Posted Dec 4, 2025, 9:43 PM UTC