My experience

I don’t even know why I make these posts, but I often feel compelled to share my experience.

For the most part I have been a Christian my whole life. I had times where I leaned toward atheism a bit and even more times where I was agnostic, but for the most part I was Christian. I had a decent childhood up until I was 10 when I was diagnosed with diabetes. This was the first instance of me getting fucked. I handled it decently, but it was a terrible thing. I loved football at that age and I had to stop playing because of diabetes. I find myself thinking what my life could’ve been like had I never had to quit football.

High school was ok, but I got into drinking and smoking marijuana. I didn’t make particularly good grades. I always had very bad luck with women. My senior year I got a DUI which was a terrible thing, and it was my fault. It was a difficult time for me, but I eventually did everything I needed to do to move past it.

A few weeks before going to college, arrested again with marijuana. Another very horrible situation, but again I worked my ass off and did everything I needed to do to move past it. 2 years after the arrest I was finally ready to put it all past me and begin to enjoy my college experience without legal issues over my head. I was nearly a straight A student, and I was working on starting a commercial real estate club with a professor who was a mentor to me. Then Covid hits.

I enjoyed my time during Covid, but in hindsight it was absolutely horrible for me. I was 19 years old. I was working at a restaurant waiting tables and like I said making good grades. Then Covid came. I was getting 600 dollars a week unemployment, and my classes began to assign very small workloads. This was when I really started to have issues. I was smoking marijuana heavily and began taking Xanax. Throughout most of Covid I was doing bad things, but eventually I started working again and kind of started to get my act together.

Then in February of 2021 another terrible thing happened. I was at a friends house and we had taken Xanax and we’re doing some cocaine. His mother came home and kicked me out of the house. I was very intoxicated but still drove away from his house. I was pulled over and arrested for a dui and possession of cocaine. This was a terrible time for me.

All of these instances were difficult, but I do not consider them particularly unfair because it was through my own actions that I ended up in that position. The third arrest was a very difficult thing. I fell into a very very deep depression for many months. I worked my fucking ass off after that arrest. Because of Covid I got lucky and did not have to do time, but I had a very intensive court program I had to attend. It was probably about 10 hours every week of court mandated appointments that I had. I did it all. I worked my ass off. I made a terrible mistake, and I paid the price for it. I did not make a single mistake in the program, and eventually I was one of the only people ever to be let out of the program early.

After getting out of the program I began smoking weed again, but this time with a prescription to do so. Things were finally going ok for me. I had a job I really liked and I had a decent social life. I had a future despite my mistakes, then it all came crashing down.

I had a terrible tooth abscess. It was a very painful and the infection also impacted my diabetes and I had to be hospitalized. I eventually had the root canal, but I started to get very stressed after that. I was working full time and also in school, and I was in my final semester. I got extremely stressed before finals, and something snapped.

I began having trouble sleeping. I won’t get too into this but eventually it led me to a complete mental breakdown where I was diagnosed bipolar and had to be hospitalized. The events leading up to my hospitalization were catastrophic. I lost my job which I loved and all of my friends distanced themselves from me. This event completely shattered my life. I lost everything. There is nothing left, and the depression that I have been left in has been absolutely horrendous.

I say all of this because I wonder why God couldn’t ever just give me a break. I made mistakes, and I worked my ass off everytime to make good with what I did. It feels so unfair to me. I worked so fucking hard man to get where I was all for it to be shattered by mental health issues. I have never been a bad person. I’ve never hurt anybody. Maybe I’ve said some mean things hear and there, but I think for the most part I was always a nice guy.

I’m not even asking why God hasn’t ever blessed me with any favor. I’m asking why he has allowed me this horrific fate.

The worst part of this story? The main theme of my mental illness was my religion. I became hyper religious as they say. I thought because of the bad things I had done I was a bad person and I needed to make right by God. It’s hard to even explain. When I started to get stressed I turned back to religion and began going to church again. This was the worst mistake of my life. My religious beliefs at that time were the most dangerous thing.

Since this depression has started I have questioned God every single day, and I also pray daily for God to finally be merciful to me and end my hellish experience here on Earth. God is completely absent from my life. My prayers fall on deaf ears. When I needed God most he turned his back on me.

This is a cruel and repulsive world we live in. I doubt my faith constantly because God has given me no reason to believe he cares for me in this life. There is also not one bit of evidence I am able to find to support him even existing. The Bible? Honestly if you ask me there is so much stuff bordering on supernatural in there that I just struggle to get behind it.

I do not know what I did to deserve this. Sure I made some mistakes, but I paid heavy prices for those mistakes. For me to experience the mental health struggles that I have is just totally unfair if you ask me. I pray to God every single day that he ends my life. I think about suicide every day. I trusted in God, and to be honest it was the worst mistake of my life. I hope I am just an ignorant human and that when I die God does not condemn me for my doubts. It is not fair. Every single time I have come close to putting my life back together something catastrophic has struck it down.

I like to believe that my physical body is a separate entity from my soul, and just because God has shown no favor whatsoever to my physical experience on Earth that he could possibly still love my soul. I don’t know. I don’t know why I make these posts. I do not expect pity. To be honest I am kind of expressing my anger because I mean it when I say that if I hadn’t started going back to church when I did things probably would’ve been much different. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have had similar mental health struggles, but I wouldn’t have made some of the insane decisions that I did. I thought I was making sacrifices to bring me closer to God, but there is no God in my life anymore.

If you have read this far, thank you. I ask that you have some sympathy for me and that you say a prayer that God may end my dreadful existence. God bless you.