man oh man, i struggle to be alone with myself

for years, i thought weed was helping me socialise with other people (i’m autistic so that’s very hard for me). and in ways that was true. but over the years, i’ve grown to surround myself with people who don’t need me to be anything other than myself. so, if anything, weed stopped helping my social anxiety and just became a ‘fun thing to do’ (all the time) when hanging out with people i really enjoyed being around.

today, i spent time with a close friend. in the past, we’d usually do whatever we do but almost always did it high. today we were both sober. sitting on a picnic blanket on my university grounds, reading and enjoying the spring sunshine. it was wonderful. i didn’t think of weed at all once. i didn’t wish either of us was high. i just was

but tonight, i’m realising that the weed wasn’t to help me with connecting with others. my biggest reason for turning to weed is how fucking difficult it is to be alone with my own thoughts and feelings. which is probably why i smoked most when i was alone.

maybe it’s my activist work or my social science studies or whatever stuff i thought i managed to ‘deal with’ in over 5 years of almost-weekly therapy — but holy shit i am terrified of myself. i’m (as people have told me) incredible to other people; i’m patient and kind and understanding and caring and all those nice things. but to myself? i am the combination of everyone who has ever hurt me. it’s awful. and i don’t really know what to do about it.

it also doesn’t help that being in a testosterone-dominant body has made it harder to cry (i’m trans. if that offends you, pretend you didn’t read this part of my post). so even when the feelings rise up in my chest, it feels like i can’t properly let them out.

honestly, if there is something that’ll bring me back to weed (yet again. i’ve tried quitting three times this year) it’ll be that.

maybe i need to start somatic therapy? god, i’m really just lost aren’t i