I don’t know if I’m crazy or being gaslit, and it’s destroying me.

I just need to let this out somewhere because I feel like I’m breaking.

A few days ago, I caught my partner searching for things he promised he wouldn’t look at anymore. It was his phone, his searches, his choices. But somehow, I ended up being the one who had to apologize for “reacting.” He slept peacefully while I lay awake replaying everything in my head, feeling guilty for being hurt by something he did.

All of this hit me so much harder because I recently went through an emergency C-section. I’m still trying to recover physically and mentally. My hormones are everywhere, the pain is real, and the last thing I expected was to feel betrayed during such a vulnerable time. I’m exhausted in ways I can’t even explain. I barely feel like myself as it is.

And then this happens.

It triggered something deeper in me. Growing up, I was always blamed for things that happened to me — even when I was sexually assaulted as a child, my own mom blamed me for “wearing cute clothes.” I was told I attracted the wrong attention. That kind of thing sticks with you.

So now, whenever someone twists things around and puts the blame on me, it feels like I’m reliving that same pain all over again. I start questioning everything about myself. Am I overreacting? Am I the problem? Or am I being manipulated into believing that?

I’m so tired. I feel like I’m drowning under everything — the trauma, the postpartum emotions, the self-doubt, the betrayal. I hate that I’m starting to think my existence is something I have to apologize for.

Honestly, if I didn’t have my baby to fight for, I don’t know where I’d be right now. I’m trying so hard to hold myself together, but it feels like I’m falling apart quietly.

Thanks for listening if you read this far.