Living at home with family as an adult, can’t drive, only socialize with my doctors and have only left my house for appointments and the dollar store in over a year.

I’m so isolated that my life doesn’t feel purposeful. I survive, but the years pass by without much meaning. Every friendship or relationship I have is fleeting, even on my best behavior when I’m stable. If I don’t sabotage it then whatever circumstances somehow will. I believe that most people are capable of having well rounded lives and lasting connections, but I am an exception who likely never will. I’ve accepted the mundane after so many years of hoping for or expecting meaningful experiences. I’m so relieved to have nobody that can leave, or to overwhelm/fixate over since they are usually the only person in my life. Most of my relationships ended with unexpected silence on their end, and I see no point in investing time in people anymore. Losing one person will stick with me for years and impact my entire being. It feels distorting to always be the one who will care more and find meaning. I’m such a fragile, bitter and jaded person now. My mental state sets me up to invest in incompatible people and then be surprised when the relationships fails. I can’t decipher healthy versus non healthy people for me anymore because I’m so desperate that I will nurture any connection I have. I’ve stayed in college for a long time now because of scholarships, which is about all I’ve got going for me besides my family putting up with my dependence. But still, I can’t do anything with my education since I can’t drive or maintain much stability, so it just gives me something to do and to be less embarrassed of my situation. I’ve been in treatment for a long time but I know little will change in five or ten years. Bpd is all consuming and will always dictate my future. I’m constantly trying to just enjoy watching others live their lives, living vicariously because I know those traditional experiences are too much for me.