Ghosted by my best friend

It just hurts a lot. My intensity pushed him too far. Now I have to sit with that.

We have a complicated relationship, we always have. A long time ago (almost ten years ago) when we first became friends there was a sort of situationship thing going on between us but nothing ever came of it. Still the energy has always been kind of charged. But he is my best friend and one of the few people I trust in the world.

I’ve been going through a lot and I was leaning on him a lot. More than he could handle I guess. He’s told me that he is fearful avoidant in the context of attachment.

Anyway he was really there for me for a while as I went through these big life changes and then all of a sudden I guess he just reached his limit and ghosted me.

Not being able to have a direct conversation about things like this is absolute torture for me. He knows I’m autistic. He knows how I am. He said he could be direct with me and honest about what he needs. Then he ghosted me and I had to sit with just not knowing what happened.

At first I sent him a handful of messages like I’m sorry if I overwhelmed you and I know this silence is how you cope when you’re overloaded and I don’t blame you. I tried to be compassionate and understanding.

Eventually he texted me back something really surface level like yeah I’m good been really busy let’s definitely catch up soon but then he didn’t respond after that.

Last week I accomplished something really big and I impulsively texted him today that it hurt me that I couldn’t call him to celebrate when it had happened but that I realize if he wanted to talk to me he would so I guess I give up. No response.

So that’s that. It’s so hard for me not having clarity or closure. But I don’t have a choice. You can’t force somebody to be honest or direct.

I just need a space to talk about this. I don’t have anybody to talk to about it. And definitely nobody who would understand being autistic and how important clarity around boundaries and direct communication can be. I guess I just have to let it go.