I don’t think I want help anymore

I 22F am really struggling to keep holding on but I feel selfish for having these thoughts.

Due to an abusive childhood I joined the army when I was 17, since enlistment I’ve fractured more than half my lower body and was rushed through physical therapy. I’m out of the military as of last November due to mental issues and the permanent damage from the fractures.

I see a therapist from the VA, on duloxetine 25mg once a day but they don’t seem to be helping. I don’t want to bother them or seem drug seeking if I ask to switch medications or up the dosage.

I’m engage to be married next year and my fiance who’s marines knows about my illnesses and helps the best he can but I don’t want to continue to burden him either. I see the way how fucked up I am hurts the people around me but I can’t hide how I feel anymore. I want to die I want to not be in pain physically and mentally anymore and I’m so tired of continuing to hurt the people around me bc I’m not getting better. I’m not shoot myself suicidal more of a wreck my car into a wall with no one around of drown. Idk I want to feel pain as I die so I can feel something in this life. I think the meds are causing emotional blocking. I still feel love and can give love but it all feels so fake at this point. Idk what to do. I don’t want to ask for real help bc I don’t want to burden or take away anyone’s time. If I do take myself out I don’t want to accidentally live and not be able to function.