Being an ugly woman (19F) makes me want to die

I’m not searching for advice about “loving yourself” ‼️‼️ there’s nothing to love about me. I just need to get this off my chest. Im so fucking tired of being ugly.

Ever since getting to college being ugly has bothered me so much more. The girls here all look like models. Natural beautiful faces, skinny bodies, long hair, etc. and I look nothing like them. No matter how much makeup I slap on and what clothes I wear I can’t compete. I feel like a monster around them with how ugly I am or a man cosplaying as a woman. It doesn’t help that I also have short hair so I literally look like the ugliest man alive.

On top of all that, most of my friends have had people interested in them since college started while nobody’s even given me a second glance. I guess I can’t blame them I do look hideous. The only person who’s ever been into me only liked me for my body because he had a fat fetish :/. I’m so ugly it’s made me completely unlovable.

As mentioned previously I’m fat too, like morbidly obese fat it’s disgusting :( I’m 180 and 5’7 (I’m “curvy” so most of it sits in my hips,thighs,and chest which would be good if I looked better). My fat literally spills out all over and I take up so much space. Every part of my body is fat but the worse is my face, it’s already asymmetrical plus my big nose, fat lips, and small eyes aren’t doing my triple chin any favors. Honestly, I wish I was still anorexic ngl because it’s better being skinny and ugly than fat and ugly. I’m an absolute cow nowadays, even though I track calories and exercise it doesn’t matter. I feel so embarrassed to eat in the dining halls because I don’t want to subject people to seeing me stuff my fat face like a pig, oinking and slobbering while I pray to get put out of my misery. I don’t see the point of living being like this, plus I’m only going to get uglier as I get older and then I’ll die alone with my cats.

(I’m too pussy to actually attempt don’t worry unfortunately I won’t actually kill myself it just makes me want to)