Idk what to write in the title

Hi, I dont even know if I am suicidal or not but Idk. I am in a position where bothing feels right, idk where I am going, why I am going. I cant keep up with deadlines, I think I like psychology and research and I did buy being in that setting dosent make me feel that good either that I will put extra efforts. I had missed deadlines in 3rd semester because of this fuckup college and I think I will have to give back. I missed my finals exams in UG as well because of low attendance. I know what I should do but I dont do it. I just jeep smoking up all the time sometimes I snort here and there. I feel like there is so much to life but I am stuck in this study capilistic society where I have to follow these fucking stupid rules. And now this year back thing which may happen is just too much. I am an anxious person as well. I have always thought about dying but really didnt know if I am seriously thinking about it or it just a weird thought. But these thoughts have been coming for years now. I do not really think I will commint suicide but I do not really like this feeling. I have been stuck for a long time in this state and I have always thought Ill get through. But this time its too much.