My friends have all abandoned me. Am I the problem?

I am a 22F and I need to give some context: I have mental health issues. I was diagnosed with BPD, C-PTSD, ADHD, an ED and Bipolar disorder type 1. I am currently in the process of being diagnosed with a depression. My father was abusive and I have been raped, bullied and trafficked and even though I survived, in 2022 I had a mental breakdown and I've been in and out of hospitals ever since. Now, for my friends.

I met A(F), A(M), F, and L 7 years ago in high school. We have been really close since, even though A(F) and L don't rally speak to A(M) and F. A(M) and F are best friends, the others don't really interact much with each other. I met J 5 years ago and we have been inseperable since. A(F), L and J have been my best friends since I met them.

This year has been rough. My brother left the country and we haven't really spoken since. My grandmother died which got my father's side of the family into a fight, they haven't been on speaking terms for 8 months. When my grandmother died, it triggered a depressive episode that hasn't gone away since. Because of medication, I got acne and gained 20kgs which is why I had to stop taking them. Some people have abandoned me during 2025 which was painful but my friends were there to help me through it. As time went by, A(F) and L, who moved away stopped calling or texting which was fine. I have severe abandonment issues so it hurt me but I know that it is normal for friends not to be in touch everyday so I didn't say anything, they're not responsible for my symptoms. A(M) started dating a girl and neglected me because F told him I was in love with him (I don't know where he got that from). I told A(M) how I felt and we eventually made up.

J was my rock. The only one still living in my town. Then she got a boyfriend (long distance) and soon she was almost never around. She was always hanging out with him and their friends, which was fine, I'm happy she's happy. F barely acknowledged me anymore but that's okay, I thought. I had no news of A(F) and L but I kept thinking it was fine. A(M) was there for me but whenever I would talk about my issues, he just wouldn't understand. F opened up to me and A(M) about his ex sexually assaulting him during the relationship. I was stunned. His ex is part of the "friend group" (not one of my friends though). Everyone took it lightly while I was losing my mind over the fact that we are accepting a rapist into our group. They started making me feel like I was crazy so I let it go.

I ended up in the hospital in august and except F and J, no one really called or texted to check how I was, even after I had told them what happened. But I figured that they're busy, so it's fine. I think that's when I started to grow resentful.

J introduced me to her new friends and I could feel they didn't like me but wouldn't tell me. Months later, we ran into them and I was drunk. I got anxious and drank more and all my bullying trauma came back and I made a scene. Not a "crying and trauma dumping" scene, more like a "hey look at me I'm so interesting and I love J and we're so close and I will be paying for all of your drinks" kind of scene. A week later, she told me that she had never felt more ashamed than that night. She told me they, in fact, didn't like me and now it was just worse. Since then, she kind of has been ghosting me. I know I screwed up, but I mean... is our friendship really worth one shameful drunk night? When I met her she was having sex in a swimming pool in front of everyone, god damnit. Oh and, by the way, I apologized a lot.

I met with A(M) and got drunk (again) and embarassed myself (again). Safe to say, I haven't touched a drop of alcohol for the past two months by the way. Anyway, I just told him how crazy it was that he thought that I was in love with him and I laughed about i but I guess it has made him uncomfortable. I haven't heard from him since.

I met with A(F) for her birthday and the rapist was there so I wasn't comfortable the whole night. When she left, I told A(F) about it and she kept telling me I was crazy and that it didn't matter. I also found out that A(M) and F have been telling the rapist all about my family issues which I find really disrespectful. A(F) told me I was being unfair, since I know about the allegations, it means they talk to me about her life so it's only fair that they talk to her about mine. I tried to explain that someone coming out as a victim to a friend is different than telling about your best friends' family issues to someone they hate. She wouldn't listen so I let it go. I haven't heard from her since.

I told L about how neglected and lonely I felt lately and she only gave me excuses about her phone not working, which I can understand. I told her I was just mad that she knew that I ended up in the hospital and didn't check on me. She said she wasn't sorry and that I've survived many times before in the hospital so it just didn't seem urgent or important. I told her I almost died that night but she said she can't be available 24/7, which I get. So I told her we hadn't spoken for 6 months before that and I stayed 3 days in the hospital, a simple message in 72h would've gone a long way. She wouldn't apologize so I let it go. I haven't heard from her since.

I tried to contact F to tell him I didn't like the fact that he would tell other people about my family issues but he just ghosted me. It's been two months.

I know I am sick so I might act like a psycho at times when I feel bad so I understand them needing distance or being mad at me, but isn't that a little too much? I know I am intense and messy but still, they have been by my side through it all for the past seven years, what the fuck is happening? I must've done something wrong