Fence sitter/ doubting a lot

By bf of almost two years broke things off because he didn’t see me agreeing to having kids (even tho I never said no, I just shared my thoughts and feelings on the subject).

Early on I said I didn’t want kids and then we started talking about the fears and I guess never about the positive side of it or making actual plans to move forward.

It was rocky, it felt conditional to me. Although I get I’m not 16 anymore. We were going to move in together but he broke things off because the uncertainty of me being on the fence was too much for him. He wanted certainty. So here I am…

I’ve always like kids. I just saw moms around me so tired and also living a life catered to their babies. I felt like it was a chore more than a life calling. I felt that way a lot.

Now that he’s gone and there’s no going back. I feel a deep sense of loss. I can’t be around my nephews I can’t see family pictures I just think I gave everything up.

At the same time, I tell myself I had those fears and doubts for a reason and maybe I’m not made for it. And it’s easier to regret not having than to regret having them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I plan on talking to my therapist about it but wanted to get advice from women here and see where they’re at now?

I have dreams of being debt free and I really want to be able to pick up and travel whenever I want. I always liked the sense of freedom. I just can’t shake this feeling of guilt and loss over potentially blowing my last chance at family. 34F.