He traumatized me…TW: Gun/DV

AITA for not wanting to forgive my husband, stay married, or try again after what he did?

I (36F) am a mom of three boys. Two of them are autistic. Their dad—my soon-to-be ex-husband—is very involved with them and is a good father. But I still resent him deeply for something that happened 8 years ago.

One night, we ran out of milk after midnight. He was drunk and couldn’t drive, so I went to the store. When I came back, he was blackout drunk, convinced I was leaving him, and he put a gun to my face. I was pregnant at the time.

It never happened again, but the drinking never stopped. He was an EMT who drank his trauma away, and every year after that incident, my mental health got worse. I couldn’t trust him. Instead of helping repair anything, he told me I needed therapy and acted like I should just get over it. He forgave himself and expected me to fall in line.

I also never called the police on him. I protected him. I didn’t want to ruin his career or have our kids grow up fatherless. I genuinely believed he was a good man who made a terrible mistake.

Meanwhile, I was left to heal alone. I fell into depression, became suicidal, and slowly checked out emotionally. I coped through weed, online gaming, and friends who actually made me feel safe. I had no love left for him.

When I finally opened up about being suicidal from everything I’d been carrying, he responded with: “Well, I could’ve called the psych ward on you, but I didn’t.” It felt cruel, dismissive, and completely disconnected from the damage he caused.

Eventually, I told him to leave because I couldn’t heal around the person who traumatized me. He acted like nothing was wrong and said I was “holding the past over him” and needed to forgive and heal—with or without a divorce.

We’re separated now and co-parenting. The kids love him, and he’s a good father. But seeing him is still triggering for me. I can’t be his friend. I can’t be cordial. My brain does not see him as safe.

I’ve also found emotional safety and comfort elsewhere, and for the first time in years, I feel genuinely happy.

So… AITA for resenting him? For not wanting to forgive and forget? For wanting a divorce and finding love and peace somewhere else, even though he’s a good father?